LOL SAD FACE

this is how you can inspire me

2012-01-18T04:33:00.000-08:00

grab my face
yell into it
like i am a microphone
and you are some emotional tortured soulful singer
screaming
beautiful, passionate,
raw lyrics
about
some bullshit
trivial moment
from your past.

hold me like a camera
taking delicate erotic snapshots
of some girl you loved
before she broke your heart
and took all your favorite t-shirts.

use me like a white sheet of notebook
paper bound in a leather journal,
scribble all your observations, poems
onto my college ruled skin
before you tear me out and set me on fire
because nothing you create
is "good enough"
anymore.

a winter without snow

2012-01-10T02:15:00.000-08:00

there are hours of silence
when you are not near
riding somewhere above ground
in bullet trains
screeching over the tracks.

i think about nothing.
for many days now,
i've been able to stare blankly at walls
and think about nothing.

today i am lying on my bed
and i feel overly excited reading facebook statuses
but after i exit out of the page
i continue to stare back at the walls
and think about nothing.

right now i'm scrunching up my face
and smiling maniacally at my reflection
in a metal spoon.
and i feel like there are no real thoughts in my head.

i will post about 2012

2012-01-02T01:55:00.000-08:00

my new years resolutions are always the same. self improvement and whatever that entails. there's always something i want to change. i think 2012 is going to be an interesting year since i'll be spending most of it abroad. it's a strange idea to know that i'm going to be here for a while. time moves fast in the city. i feel like this year will be go by fast and slow simultaneously somehow. i want to write more this year. i want to begin to successfully and eloquently organize my thoughts into short stories and poems worth reading. i want to spend the year an as observer, always watching and listening like a still photograph framed on a wall.

i don't know what this year will hold. i'm hoping to be feverishly productive. i feel so different and i've only been away from home for three months. my one goal is to make it back to ohio by christmas 2012. i feel like maybe i have some spunk still left in me. sometimes i feel like life is just starting but then i remember, it's been happening.

in the city

2011-12-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

there's a certain sense of urgency and adventure

when performing mundane tasks

like grocery shopping or going to the post office

in a country that can't understand you.

i'm learning to talk with my hands, with my arms, with my

facial expressions, eye brow wiggles, rather than with words.

i'm making my "i'm lost face again"
at strangers who stop and point frantically and helplessly

in several different directions
grunting with a half-smile glued in the space

between their cheeks.

Holiday Related Blogpost

2011-12-17T05:31:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to make a small video because it's going to be my first Christmas away from my family and everyone that I love. I also bought a bloggie off a Jordan which I have not used to make any videos yet, so I took it out and around Seoul today as I was looking for small gifts. Later, I accidentally stumbled into a Korean currency museum which turned out to be kinda badass! Who knew looking at old currency would be semi-interesting. Guess the Chinese used to have knife shaped money. Wish they'd bring it back. Dangerous money. Into it.

Update. (Monday) Kim Jong Il died. Brittany Wallace made me this uplifting video
(made me smile a shit ton). Anyways, don't know if things are going to change in South Korea.

Puke Kisses

2011-12-13T00:56:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I find thesestreetlights and neon lights so offensive. They shine so brightly, illuminating yet anothershitty night. I can see the drunks huddle underneath the lampposts and bar signs as if they're giving off heat. They projectile vomit and every speck of food glistens in the lightbefore it hits ground: splat splat splat.

Everyone seems to get a little stomach juice on their shoes and wooly coatsbefore wiping their mouth and kissing their one-night stands. For some reason, I’ve always found this exchange of puke and saliva quite endearing and romantic. I believe it serves as a symbol of dedication, nomatter the obstacles or taste.

In other news, read this really great interview with Noah Cicero.

a poem for home

2011-12-06T06:58:00.001-08:00

every where i go,

i carry stories of our lives with me.

i am all that i am because i had you.

and every boy that tries to kiss me,

is really trying to kiss all of you.

(sometimes, i really really wish you guys were here.)

the walls are listening closely

2011-12-04T00:46:00.001-08:00

somewhere in between the sighs and the whispers
there lives a million insecurities pulsating softly but still loud enough with such
intensity that it can only be heard by the ghosts of our pasts,
the skeletons in our closets, the photographs on the wall.

the walls are listening closely, and i'm pathetically longing for some sign, hoping
that i'll hear some sound advice murmured though the vents by some kind stranger
just passing by.

unrelated:
trying to use this more, ask me questions or just add me.
http://www.formspring.me/spookyguts

this is where we stand.

2011-11-22T00:34:00.001-08:00

I will be your weakness.
I will be your fear.
I will break your bones
and suck out the marrow.
I will cut your chest open
and make a home in your heart

I will ruin you
and then I will fix you.

I will pack your photo in my suitcase.
I will look at it sometimes.
I will write about you in my journal.
I will say nice things mostly.

I will think about your face
and I love it and hate it at the same time.
I will think of your body.
I will remember how warm you are.

I will write even if you aren't reading.
I will talk even if you aren't listening.
I will wish even if there's no use wishing.

I will forget you.
I will remember you.
I will compare you to everyone I ever meet,
and I know that you will do the same
but never admit to it.

feeling lively

2011-11-16T06:07:00.001-08:00

i'm staying up
until my eyes
bleed

i'm going to keep
sipping these drinks
until i fall
asleep
in the street

i want a piggy back
ride through the rough
side of town.

i won't pee
on the same
toilets as the prostitutes
because
there isn't
any toilet paper,

i want to climb a mountain,
wring out my shirts full of sweat
into water bottles
to suck back down

my heart's pounding so hard
that i might be
having a
heart attack.

bury me where i fall,
right here on this bar,
because
every waking moment
feels like heaven
somehow.

(p.s. the sink broke )

try to feel better

2011-11-14T02:33:00.001-08:00

So everything is South Korea has been going swimmingly. I've had a lot of weird/strange/exciting nights here so far. On Saturday I lost my bank card and for the first time since I've been here, I felt really terrible and depressed. The rest of the night was pretty entertaining though. I went to a baby's birthday party that was in a giant hall. There was an all-you-can-eat buffet and all-you-can-drink bar. There was also a movie/slideshow thing and gifts for the guests. It was the best.

I also learned to salsa dance. I think. I was kind of drunk but my dance partner said I was easy to lead. Salsa dancing is kind of cool.

Anyways, I tried not to worry about my lost bank card but I hate when I lose things. It's just a reminder of my terrible attention span. I get lost all the time and I lose things all the time. I'm very irresponsible but I know I can get better if I try or something. At least, I know now I'm making some really good friends in Korea who will humor my sad, self loathing state. I feel guilty about being slightly dependent when I'm feeling rough, but then again, I'm so used to having a huge support group of loving individuals.

I'm going to get a real haircut for the first time in five years. This is a strange idea to me. I think I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready for the real thing, but I prefer aaron's haircuts....and I always will.

Life is really a great adventure. I'm being cliche but I'm starting to figure it out. I'm here to just live the most interesting, exciting, rich life that I can afford to lead. I hope all my friends and family in Ohio remember to smile and shit. Life's shit sometimes but there are moments that really make it something fucking beautiful.

Mountain Times

2011-11-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

Starting out on my weekend trip, I was nervous and a bit tiredafter the three-hour trainride to the Korean countryside. As soon as wearrived, we saw that the rain falling hard. Running quickly, we hailed a taxiand began our journey. Our first destination was a chimchibang nearby. A chimchibang, for those of youwho might not know, is a place with a public bathhouse that includes a showerarea, a sauna, and big baths of hot and cold water. Upon your arrival you arehanded a locker key, towels, and a pair of mustard color pajamas that you willwear to bed. After you’re showered and refreshed, you sleep in a big room with everyone else who has just done the same.

I was a little anxious about the whole getting naked infront of Korean women. It wasn’t because I was self-conscious it was more sobecause of my tattoos. Tattoos are still a taboo here, implying a negativeimage of the individual. They’re pretty accepted in the city and by the youngergeneration, but in the countryside, the Koreans are still very traditional andconservative.

I undressed myself and headed to the showers, prepared tofeel the glares on my body and right on my face. The first night, there was noone else in the showers, so we had the entire bathhouse to ourselves. I enjoyedthe hot shower and sat in the sauna and felt really relaxed. Really reallyreally relaxed. Afterwards, I got dressed and headed upstairs to the big openroom everyone else was sleeping in.

----------------------

Hush hush, sleeping under peaceful blue lights on a hard wooden floor.
We must try to keep it down, for there are old men sucking in oxygen, mouthsagape as their snores echo through the room.

Families are holding tightly onto one another passing gas in their sleep.

There’s somebody’s baby roaming,getting picked up by passing strangers
to be cuddled and adored. It keeps staring at me curiously, and I keep staringback with the same amount of curiosity.

And you’re whispering ever so carefully to me about how you’ve just had an outof body experience. I see you there, spread out flat on your back with glazedeyes, slouched lips, and a relaxed posed. You begin to feverishly rambleecstatically about how minutes before you were taking the hottest shower,sitting in the hottest sauna,
and throwing cold water over your body.

You mumble about how this formulainduced a similar sensation equivalent, maybe even better, than recreationaldrugs. And you let the air out of your lungs, pleased and content, passionateabout life again.

You tell me how it felt, as best as you can, you describe it. You said it waslike someone had wrapped you up in velcro, to then pulled it back off, as youregained sensation in your limbs. I listen very closely, laying down now,pulling a thin blanket over my head, bringing it up over my head.

You’ve run out of words toexplain the moment impossible to photograph, and I begin slowly inhaling andexhaling until I’m out cold.

---------------

I woke up early the next day, at seven a.m. and fell back asleep foranother two hours. There were no mats left, so we had to sleep on blanketsinstead. My back was hurting a little, but I knew all the aches would be goneafter another relaxing time in the showers.

We headed down, and unlike last night, to no surprise, theplace was filled with Korean woman showering. I undressed myself again, filledwith the same anxieties that I had faced the night before. I marched myselfinto the room, and picked a shower out in the corner. As I let the water soothemy body, the woman next to began asking me questions about where I was from. Weexchanged a few sentences as I fumbled with my Korean. I smiled a lot, tryingto show her I was genuinely enjoying the conversation. Towards the end of myshower, she told me I was beautiful. I stood there and felt accepted, acceptedand naked. I smiled a big smile and then headed outside to dress myself. We ate a big meal in preparation for our mountain climb. Wedecided to climb the second highest peak at Ne Jang Mountain. The steps werevery high, and the entire hike up was way harder than I had imagined. I tookmany breaks but attempted to push on. I wanted to get the climb over with. Ittook me about two hours to reach the peak.

At the top, there were many Koreans sitting down and taking photos. I joined inand some nice lady gave us chocolate. We drank more water and allowed ourselvesa nice long break before the trek back. Revitalized now, I began my walk downfull of adrenaline. I was swinging from tree limb to tree limb like a crackedout monkey, hopping carelessly from rock to rock, high on life itself. I neverthought I’d say that.

There was a creek at the very bottom of the peak. The waterwas ice cold and refreshing. There were loads of people washing the sweat outof their bandanas and clothes. Everyone peeled off their socks and splashedaround in the cool water until we felt ready for the walk back to the village. Icovered my head in ice-cold water and changed my shirt.
Afterwards, we headed to the final leg of our weekend journey. On our lastnight we stayed in a very traditional city even farther out in thecountryside. We took an hour-long bus ride to the village. To my surprise, we were dropped offabout 1km away from our destination.

There weren’t many lights and the road wasdark but we continued walking….walking….walking until we saw it. This village is one of the best places I’ve been too. The people who worked there were super kind. They let us borrow slippers so we could get out of our hiking shoes. It was a very nice gesture, we didn't even ask for them. They just saw us walking around barefoot so they delivered some to our hut. After a long hot shower in the community shower, we all played some card games and got drunk.

Now I'm back home. Feeling strange but happy in a way that I haven't before. It's a new feeling that will wear off in a few days.

There are many things happening, many things to experience. I like experiencing the happenings.

I'm listening to love songs and I'm kind of dancing to the beat, alone, in my on bedroom apartment. I'm thinking about all of my friends in Ohio. I'm wishing they were here in my bed, laughing loudly at nothing. Today I thought to myself, "one day, I'm going to be someone really happy and worldly and well rounded."

Maybe one day nothing will ever bother me. Nothing will ever get under my skin. I can climb a mountain, I can do anything. At least, that's how I feel right now. Most days I don't feel anxious and overwhelmed. I've gotten the spunk back in my step. I want to call my poetry professors so I can tell them, I wanna live the fuck out of my life again.

I wish you guys could see all of this with me. I wish I could carry my friends in my pocket, I wish we could all teleport. I wish I could hug you guys goodnight most nights.

untitled

2011-10-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

Everything is okay.
I just want to climb a mountain.
I just want to get high.
higher.

Everything will be okay, right?
I think
if I just climb a mountain
I'll feel better and peaceful
and okay about life or something.
Up there, I'll become emotional, and moved
by the beauty and vast openness of the world,
right? look at all them trees, goddamn.
LOOK at the world, woah.

Maybe up there so high, I'll think some deep thoughts like,
"the purpose of my life was to just see a ton of cool shit"
or "woah, nature...neat"

I want to sleep on a hard wood heated floor.
I want to sleep so stiff and so warm.
I want to sleep so heavily, I want to fall asleep
and dream dreams about you
from the mountain top.

This might be the closest I ever get to heaven,
that is, if heaven was real.

this is the closest I will ever be to touching
the sun,
and tasting the sky.
I want to dream dreams about you
from this mountain top.
I just want to get high.
Higher.

Here I am

2011-10-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

Greetings from South Korea, Bitches. Slurp Slurp.

Been living in Bucheon for about two weeks now. Don't have my alien registration card yet. Need it so I can have a phone, bank account, and the internet. Drinking a fucking delicious vanilla latte at a coffee shop by my house right now. Thought I'd finally update my blog. Here goes.

So, it's been going well. Seen some parts of the city on my uncle's motorcycle. Seen other parts on the subway. On Thursday, I attend the weekly trivia night at a western style bar named "Goose Goose" with my co-workers. We sucked last night, but we did win the tequila round, which means we, or at least I, got pretty drunk. At one point in the night, we were all singing Queen's "Don't stop me now" at the top of our lungs. That moment kinda reminded me of home, and of all the nights we would scream those lyrics. We also played a lot of old Blink 182, which is pretty fun to sing along to the drunker you get.

The day to day work here is hard but at least the kids are fucking adorable. It's not easy quieting about 6-10 small children to study English. In the mornings, I teach kindergarten. In the evening, I teach elementary level kids. Some of my classes are pretty tough though. One of my classes is known as the "bad class". Today I played apples to apples with them because my boss thought it would be a nice ice-breaker. They hate me mostly because I'm not "easy". Some of the kids aren't too terrible in that class, but they all do bully one boy. It's a little hard to watch because the boy is only being picked on because he is smarter. They're both nice kids. Today when we were playing games, one of the other boys in the class pushed him. I asked the kid why and he just said, "cause someone told me too."

I then asked him if he would eat a rotted bug infested sandwich if someone told him too. He said no. Besides that, today was decent enough. At the kindergarten, we carved a pumpkin because we're doing Halloween related activities. I carved a pumpkin with my one British co-worker. It was the first pumpkin carving for many of the kids. They really liked it. To be honest, it was probably the third time I've carved a pumpkin in my life. Afterwards we put a candle inside it and all the kids squealed with enormous joy.

One of my classes really likes to take my sunglasses and hide them. They do this because they like to wear them so they "look cool". For some reason they think that this is really hilarious. So whenever I turn my back, they run up to my desk and try to make the steal. When they are successful, I ask them where is it with 'mean face' on. One boy, who is always in on it, will then usually laugh really hard and run up to me to poke me in the belly several times playfully. His name is Tony and he always just laughs and laughs and laughs when I make my mean face. He is kind of my favorite student because he is so silly and goofy in the best ways.

I was supposed to go to Seoul tonight, but I'm short on cash and feeling a bit exhausted. Last friday we had a really enjoyable work related bbq on the roof of the school after classes. All the Korean teachers just kept feeding us drinks and food. Tomorrow I'm going to eat dinner with my co-workers at one of out friend's houses. I really like my three other co-workers which consist of two females and one male. One is from the midwest, one is an Irish girl, and the other is a british dude.

Think I might go mountain climbing with them sometime soon. They've been really great about showing me around town and keeping me entertained. I really like all of them and enjoy their company. I mean, then again, I like anyone I can sing Queen with. I just keep thinking "classic" and then smiling.

I really miss everyone in Kent, Ohio. I think about you guys all the time. I always wish I was going back to Aaron's house where everyone would be on the porch doing crosswords. I miss having you guys around, but I'm sure all of you know that. I miss everyone's laugh so much. The weird grunty laugh we all seem to do when something catches us offguard. Those kind of laughs. Damn. I miss my family too. I've been spending time with my Korean relatives and that has been really special and humbling. Family is good.

Want to go shopping really bad because I'm allowed to wear jeans to work. My mom made me pack business clothes that I don't really have to wear. The clothes here are fucking great and cheap too. I'm eating a lot of food. My apetite seems to have grown here in Korea. The food is good, cheap, and delicious. Korea is pretty strange but oddly charming. The people here are helpful and for the most part super polite. I know in a few more weeks this city will feel like my home away from home. It's exciting and uncomfortable adjusting to a new place but it's just something that happens. I'm just moving moving moving forward. The neon signs never seen to turn off, and there's always some car flying past.

Anyways, here's some Love Love Love. Will update again soon.

countdown to korea

2011-09-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

i have so many people to send postcards to.
this makes me very excited.
i don't feel very lonely right now.
i am moving to korea this week.
my plane ticket is being booked in the next few days.
i have been on hold with the korean embassy for about twenty two minutes.
today i'm supposed to pack/wash all the clothes i'm planning on keeping.
everything else must go.
i will be living out of two suitcases for the next year.
everything else must go.

i hung out with my two english professors today.
one drew me a picture and wrote down a quote from blake.
it says,
"she who kisses the joy as it flies
lives in eternity's sunrise"

i thought that was very nice.

my next post will be from bucheon, south korea.

Boners

2011-09-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be out of the united states by now.
I guess I am in no hurry but I am dying of anticipation.
I'm okay with the fact that I'm still here but I'm spending
all the money I had saved up for my 'bright future'.
[-$$$$$$$]

Today I woke up to a text of some stranger's erect penis.
It was sent around noon. It looked like healthy morning wood.
I thought that maybe this would have been a start to a great day,
MAYBE THIS BONER IS SYMBOLIC. HOW DO I KNOW?
shit, I don't know anything.

I walked around for an hour today. Going nowhere. Now,
I'm checking my e-mail feverishly for any sign of my

eventual flight date.
Outside of the coffee shop, my old poetry professor is sipping his drink,
talking to people I've never seen. I'm going to go talk to him and
he'll tell me everything will be fine. Last time I talked to him outside
this coffee shop, he told me to drop out of school and become a gypsy in Europe.
He said I had the eyes for it. My dark, elusive, cunning, eye balls are dry right now.

I have a piece of sidewalk chalk in my bookbag,
and all I want to do is defile every brick wall
with badly drawn erect penises.

P.S. some christians are talking near me about scriptures.
P.P.S. some random vid of me talking about shit:

we got issues lol

2011-09-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

i tried to tell you the truth once
about how

we are all defeated

we are all broken, bruised, exhausted, tired,

and devastated
every single person on the earth is fucked up

just like you, just like me

at least we all have something in common

UNRELATED X-TREME STUNTS W/ brittany wallace, jordan castro

UNRELATED/COMPLEX E-MAIL/POEM VIA PETERBD
[whatever, I'm down]

the ruler:

who you spookin?
that's easy
its these underlings
who gunnin for the king
yeah the king
that's right i said it
what you thought you
were a queen?
stop the madness
if they think you're of a
lower echelon
they should fucking forget
about it
hmmm what else
oh yea the king has guts
of supreme intelligence
but not afraid
to kick you busters in the nuts
yup
king spookyguts doesn't
give a fuck
and if you think there'll be forgiveness
for your lack of respect
you shit outta luck

salty sea water

2011-08-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

close your eyes
and imagine the ocean
crashing waves
salty sea
lick it up and
soak up the sun.

fucking close your eyes
and smell the fresh air
wind swirling
polluted air
sniff it up and
hold it in your lungs.

try to feel better.

wishy washy

2011-08-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

i am tired
my hair hasn't been combed in a few days.
i am exhausted
my head hasn't stopped spinning for hours.
my jaw keeps cracking-
i'm grinding my teeth away in my sleep.

it's going to be okay.
it's going to fine.
i'm trying to keep positive
and sometimes it works
but even with my eyes wide open,
i still feel like i'm stumbling through
each obstacle blind folded.

it's chaos,
but i am happy.
it's unpredictable,
but i'm adaptable.
everything is just fucked,
but that's just business as usual.

i guess i'll just listen to these songs until i feel fine.
then i'll leave this coffee shop. yeah. so, goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXfCEsZGgw8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihpcN_vns0k

I feel like putting this out there

2011-07-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to go out there, in the big world, on some epic journey, to get some new and rich experiences about life. So I can grow up. So I can be humbled. I need thicker skin.

Maybe my next big purchase will be buying a smart phone. I wonder what it's like to have a phone with internet. I hope it'll have a good camera. I feel like the technology in South Korea is going to be intense. South Korea smells a little weird. This is something I've always remembered from my childhood. That, and first few lines of Black Sabbath's "War Pigs". It was my dad's favorite song when I was growing up.

Maybe I'll feel inspired in my strange korean apartment, and I'll finally take the time to try and write decent poems or something. Maybe I will start e-mailing my professor about it. Maybe I will just show up at his house and help his garden like I promised. Maybe I will do a lot of this. I can't make any promises.

I was looking at the calendar today. I'm supposed to start my new job in thirty one days. Is thirty one days a lot of time? I guess it depends on the circumstances.

Meh.

Oh, look what I found cleaning. My mom has this made when I was born.

Also, here's a pretty good video my friend Justin showed me. Thought I'd share.
I just recently found out that dolphins were capable of rape. Whoops.

reality

2011-07-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

saying goodbye to brittany wallace was really hard to do.
i am not trying to cry. i'm listening to len-steal my sunshine on repeat.

i remember when i first met her at my first apartment ever years ago. she was painfully shy and quiet.

brittany and noah's move
made me realize i'm leaving the country in less than two months.
it showed me how hard this place will be to say goodbye to.

i'm moving out of my apartment this month and will be living on couches
until i leave for south korea.

i'm quitting all my bad habits
and i'm going to start jogging.

i don't know if how i feel about anything
i'm just going through the motions, baby.

i will still comb my hair in the mirror.

2011-07-09T02:03:00.000-07:00

when i am near a mirror, i feel like i should stand a safe distance back.
sometimes when i get too close to my reflection i stare hard at my face and
become overly critical about nothing.

i wonder why people buy mirrors that magnify their reflection.
i find these mirrors to be very upsetting. when i look into them i see thousands of imperfections
sporadically stuck on my face. i do not want to be magnified.

keep a distance from your mirror. do not get a 15x magnification mirror.

cat pics.

2011-06-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

i'm moving in less than two months. every time i try to write, this is all i can think about. as a result, i just haven't been really writing anything worth reading. i'm having an incredibly lazy summer. i've also been completely absent minded. i can't seem to make sense of anything and all my decisions lately have been made irrationally or impulsively. i have been experiencing up and downs. i attribute all of this to that overwhelming sensation one experiences when their life is about to change. i am excited and overwhelmed. i need to stop thinking about it......so here's a house cat photo shoot:

i secretly love this cat.

lack of communication

2011-06-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

if i knew how to get through to you,
i'd be buying so many megaphones at walmart right now.
(there is no concept of money
when you're maniac.)

if i knew what you needed to hear
then i would shout those words through megaphones
in front of your house. naked.
(there is no concept of shame
when you're delirious.)

but i don't know the words.
i will probably never find out.

i wish i was in a space shuttle
hanging out in anti-gravity
flicking the world off,
double deuces.

break out the hubble telescope.
these birds are for you
caw, caw.

cold turkey

2011-05-21T02:39:00.000-07:00

How did the idiom "quit cold turkey" even happen? it doesn't make sense. I've been staring at my ceiling thinking about it for a while. I looked it up on google because that's what people my age do when we have a question. One explanation via yahoo answers said it's because, "As an addict stops using the drug, blood is drawn toward the internal organs, thereby leaving the skin to resemble a cold, plucked turkey". I was eating a sandwich at the time. I'm glad that it wasn't made of turkey.

I decided to close the web browser and wrap my sandwich. I saw a new word document on my desktop titled "d.doc". I think I was trying to write something last night when I was a little drunk. This was all that I had:

My friend was telling me a story about his ex-girlfriend that ended with “I haven’t seen her since my she told me to fuck off and die”.

I got karate chopped in the neck. Then I got a free drink.

....Anyways, the end of the world is supposed to happen today. I'm really bummed I never visited the sandwich place by my house. I always meant to. Dag.

recent vids/pics/graduation/"i feel the same"

2011-05-09T16:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like this picture is appropriate.

My parents told me that i made them proud.

I need to move out of this town in 6 months.

Things are really confusing.

A lot of changes are being made.

I'm kind of hungry right now.

Some things are simple.
Some things aren't.
Don't forget.

everyone keeps commenting on how "different" life must be for me.

"i feel the same, maybe we can talk about it later."

Congrats to everyone who graduated! good luck in whatever you do! "shout out to my peeps"

thank you and good night.

wonderland

2011-04-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

once,
when you were supposed to show up then never did,
i imagined what it would feel like to punch you
it was visually stimulating
and i'm sorry.

the other day
i tried to drink liquor,
one glass made me sick.
i fell asleep in the grass
and it was so comfortable.

the next day my whole body ached
and i felt really unhealthy stumbling around the house.
like an inexperienced college freshmen,
every beer i meet feels like my first beer.
i wake up the next morning and think
"never again"

this weekend i sat in a whimsical treehouse.
and i admired the thoughtfully crafted walls and makeshift doors.
a sign below by the fire pit spelled out "wonderland"
and a bunch of nymphomaniacs danced
near the fire while some dj kept playing dub-step.
some dude tried to shake my hand while peeing.
i declined,
i knew where his hand had just been.

and no matter what:
i can't shake my biggest worry off.
i can't stop thinking about graduation.
this is it, i'm support to be starting a career.
i think about this, my future, 98% of the time...
even when refusing to shake hands
even when i'm sitting in a tree.
even when i am puking.
even when you never show up.

a drifter friend of mine is offering jobs involving cabins and mountains
inside of the towns i've never met. he's the optimist in my life, who keeps insisting that
i can do anything. i am free to do anything.

wait, i can doing anything. the word anything feels so heavy when i say it aloud.
i linger on each syllabe. i can do an----ny--th----ing.

(while everything else continuously reassures me
that i have no control over mentioned above anything)

i am so terrified.

and again...

2011-03-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

pen, ink, paint

(little present for my sister's birthday)

paint and pen
(lilsisbdaygiftpartII)

pen and pencil

just trying to watch roseanne in peace.

meat club motto being recited for march's meating
by the lovely meat club president, sam dee.

what my sister got me on her spring break at the beach.
this is a picture she took. she said "look fierce".
anyways...look, the jawbreaker is as big as my fist. nice.
looking foward to all that sugar.

some things that are happening right now

2011-03-20T22:18:00.000-07:00

life's been weird
so i bought new glasses.
i'm glad to see that the sun is out.
maybe i can stop being lazy.
recorded this song:
[ TEAKETTLE.MP3 ].
wrote it about uhhh 2-3 years ago.
my boyfriend is playing the ukelele.
haven't been drawing,
too busy cleaning my room/car.
spring break 2011.
trying to finish six songs by summer.
still unsure of what to do yet after graduation.
saw my poetry teacher raking leaves in his yard today.
reminds me that i should really swing by for a cup of coffee
like i promised too.
going to write all my pen pals back.
finally.

what I did this saturday with my best friend sam.

2011-03-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

life ain't so bad, ya know??

also learned to play this song on uke.

trying to wake up everyday on time
and go to many places on time
and turn in assignments on time.

boring.

"I for one welcome our new computer overlords"

2011-02-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

(arch enemies)

went to the bar i work at today to watch the final part of the imb challenge.
i wasn't planning on drinking, i was just there to watch cable.
the regular jeopardy crowd all made it.
(minus jim who was a few minutes late. when he got there though,
he immediately placed a homemade sign on the jukebox
that said "no music from 7:30-8")

as trebeck read out clues, we shouted out answers.
(the one guy, who i like to call the scientist, knew most of them as always.)
one of the jeo-dudes offered me a beer. i think i said something like
"yess plleeasssee, i'm getting nervous".

i started taking little sips from my drink. as the clues were read,
i grew more and more frustrated and overwhelmed.
(even though trebeck looked extra good today wearing a purple tie)

i decided to let my beer sit, waiting now,
promising myself that it would be a celebration beer when jennings won.
i'd get to throw a couple of fuck- yeah-mankind hi-fives,
but as i watched watson rack up the points i realized that we didn't stand a chance.
in the final round,

under jenning's answer he had written:
"I for one welcome our new computer overlords"
i started talking big gulps from my beer, thinking
"fuck it"
and also
"ken jennings is still a bad ass"

all i'm gonna say is i'm glad it didn't end like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Henry_(folklore)

now's not the time.

2011-02-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

Funerals seem to always happen at inconvenient times.

Limp little body lovingly placed into a cardboard box,

soft dirt sleeps under a feet of snow.

No one owns a shovel;

we are unprepared for such an occasion.

Still, we do what we can to dig a humble grave.

..........................................

Pen drawings from yesterday:

01.

02.

03.

04.

*Minus this one. I drew this months ago. It hangs on my bulletin-board.

observer observation

2011-01-24T12:17:00.000-08:00

w. elm

2011-01-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

I found this when I was walking home from school today. It was exciting. I saw a bit of it sticking out of the snow. I felt like I looked odd carrying it home. I left it on the porch for a few hours. My roommate Sam made sure that it was thoroughly sanitized. I cleared some space for it and put it on my desk. It looks pretty good there.

I also drew this today. I feel okay about it.

self improvement

2011-01-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

There are days where I lay in bed

til the sun rises and sets

writing out to-do lists

and poems

in the air

with my fingertips.

There are some days where I sit at my desk,

scratching my head

cracking my knuckles

writing out to-do lists

and poems

on lined paper

with mechanical pencils.

It's a new year but I still feel the same.

I've been thinking about taking down the curtains

to let the sunrise in.

comforter comforting

2011-01-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

happy holidays, new years, etc.

oh it's just me,
acting out in open spaces,
overwhelmed by the amount of people
that can, have, will fit into this room
when the lights dim......

for some reason i want to be alone-
and every hour in my room is spent loosely
listening to scripted segments while dwelling on better times
rather than exerting the energy
or demonstrating the ability to again, create new experiences.

when did i become stale like a piece of white bread with
specks of mold now, black and green all over.....
those colors look better outside, spoiled on the ivy
that climbs up and down your house beautifully
shyly ruining the foundation.

i sigh and sigh.
(i can't help but find it romantic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WzwkCiyVoY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tIkZ0jcBD4

and lately i have been so lazy
because being lazy makes the most sense
when everything can be rationalized
and that for a fact
makes me uncomfortable.

how i wish that i could be productive again,
but everything just keeps feeling like a bunch of people punching me in the face,
my ego, whichever, regardless all these fists are
hitting simultaneously with accurate precision.

i think now
no, wait i am sure that yes, i might be going crazy
because i continue to rationalize sleeping til four
ohhhhh, at least i get to work on time, i guess.
(and sometimes i go bowling: i like to throw the balls as hard as i can,
the strikes seems impossible and pointless,
when all the fun seems to be involved with the feeling of releasing aggression)

'Cabin Fever'

2010-12-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

So this Christmas, my mother asked if she could have some drawings I had lying around. The request was strange since she never really pay much attention to any of my drawings growing up... so I decided to put together something. I usually tend to either throw away most of my drawings. Sometimes I give them away, other times I pile them into the back of my closet. I draw when I can't sleep, when I'm anxious, when my limbs are fidgety.
Anyways, thanks to the snowstorms in Ohio I have been able to work on this gift while being snowed in. Here are some of the mostly finished pages. I decided to use needle and thread to bind the pieces of paper together. I'm mostly satisfied with the outcome but of course, as always, I could have done better. I'm going to keep working on it because I plan to make copies for some close friends just because. I feel like this project has become a grown-up's coloring book. Besides that, everything is fine. I'm feeling tense but that's nothing new. I'm going to spend my year after school learning how to relax and not worry. I've realized that I was an anxious child and now I'm an anxious adult. Overall, this has been a strange year. I'm really looking forward to winter break. Hope everyone out there is surviving.

Edit: P.S. official HunkHaus Twitter.

I don't know how to believe in you.

2010-11-29T23:50:00.000-08:00

I didn't like the fact
that she could reach you so easily-
pick you up
and steal you back
right into her pocket
slipping out the door
you keep saying: "no, that's not true"
but people lie all the time
making it easier to keep assuming that
everyone is capable.

I just keep looking at my feet for trapdoors
that have never existed while
I think about the lies I have told.

And yes I'm still searching for that well-kept-secret-formula
that influences sales for cautionary tales to be distributed world-wide.
It's in the book aisles for an escalated price:
promising
piles of pages
stuffed between a paperback cover,
and a title that always presents itself with
an unfamiliar liveliness:
"Finding Happiness, I did it! So Can You!"

I like to stay home on saturday nights
with watercolors
painting portraits of imaginary nervous people who

I'll never have to meet.

potential energy

2010-11-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

pen, paper, pencil:

I hate the word crazy. So I'll just say I've been going mad instead. Seems like winter is off to an uneventful but comforting start. Everything is on schedule. I'm spending a lot of time alone. I feel these moments of solitudes are essential for bigger thinking. Something about the snow paired with dead silence inspire heavy day dreaming.

I did get out of my house to see some familiar faces. Truthfully, I'm feeling a bit more grounded after hanging out with my old creative writing professors. There's something about having a good chat with them always makes me feel better. I like that I can sit there talk about love, turkey, poetry,.....anything. More importantly, I like that they always remind me that it's important to keep writing for the sake of writing.

When I was cleaning my room this weekend, I found my wisdom tooth. I used to have four but I gave three away. I like how it's missing one leg. Looking back, I'm kind of glad the doctor's didn't put me to sleep. That day at the dentist was really funny.

Whenever people say, "Why do you have your teeth?"

I feel like the only good logical answer is simple,

"Why not?"

Maybe I'll give it to my kid or something, on prom night. It'll be special or something.

this tuesday's different

2010-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

i was feeling stale
and insignificant like dust
as i tiptoed around my house
disguised in some strange famished body-
a cardboard cutout of a better
version of my self.

today you picked me up for a cup of coffee,
that i accidentally spilled all over my leg,
and took me to the class
i accidentally sleep through every tuesday.

and as we walked quickly with the wind licking our backs,
i told you about how i was curious about
the library's elevator.
i said "i wonder how long it takes to get to the top"
you said "let's find out"

it only took twenty seconds to reach the top.
my prediction was off by nine minutes and thirty three.
when the elevator stopped
we stood like tree trunks there
watching the metal doors open and closed.

green light

2010-11-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

You are reading my lips
and
kissing my veins in
the few moments of silence-

When I speak
you really listen
When you speak
you mean every word.
Don't think that I didn't notice.

Four days after we met,
I was already promising you the stars and sky,
the future and everything I saw on the car ride home
while
you were completing my sentences
and kissing my freckles at every stop sign.

I've been looking for someone like you
under every gray sky now
for twenty two years.
I wasn't sleeping when you were whispering
to yourself last night.

i've been listening to a lot of casiotone for the painfully alone

2010-10-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

here is something i made. it's pretty simple.

i like how it turned out.

YOU SHOULD READ THIS

girl, you crazy:

he says to the girl
"you are crazy!"
she shrugs her shoulders before
she asks, uncomfortably,
"really, you think?"

the boy nods his head up and down,
the universal gesture for
"i whole-heartedly agree"

she bites her lips, and takes a second
before her next question,
"what about you, aren't you crazy?"

the boy looks at his hands and then the wall,
"no, I am insanely rational"
he says to her, still looking off.

the girl begins to pace the room
with her hands folded inside of her pockets.
she counts how many times she crosses the room,
one....two....three.......
the boy is still staring off still at various objects
scattered throughout the room,
he's shifted his attention from the drawers to the lamp,
the girl can't help but feel
carelessly looked over.

edit: thought i'd add this picture.

the calm, the calm.

2010-10-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

right and wrong
are relative
and the line that splits the two
becomes blurred in our silhouettes
in a haze of smoke
on electric blankets

you're stretched out on your bed
as your lips smack around sounds:
"you make me so very very happy"
you say "I feel okay again",

As you're getting your life back on track,
I help tie the fabric of existence tighter,
we are beautiful again
and content
and mildly euphoric.
(but still monsters at our core)

"you are perfect and you will make someone so happy one day"
I tell you and I mean it. You don't seem to believe me,
as you lean in closer, pulling my hair now, looking through me,
straight into my pupils.

there's no truth left in my breathe, or in my body. let alone my eyes.
you are staring straight into trouble,
and trouble's what you want.

this is my life ~college

2010-09-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

excited for this little event. made some alright looking gifs for it. really excited to see what people threw together. starting to feel calm after listening to some songs on repeat.....can't stop saying "let's be real here" in all of my conversations.

I've been feeling pretty crazy. I think it's because i'm sleeping strange hours/not eating well/playing too much Super Smash Brothers. Maybe I need to drink more cocktails or something.
Speaking of drinks, working at the bar has been pretty interesting. There's always something new to observe, experience, get over. The regulars are starting to call me Sarah instead of new girl. I'm happy about that. I've learned a few mixed drinks. I'm really into making Irish Car Bombs. I like the sound the shot glass makes when it hits the bottom of the glass.

Man, my hands are so sore from writing and smash brothers. I can't really complain too much. It happens. I like taking notes, and I like four on four smash brawls. Its nice to play with a bunch of friends. It makes me smiles. It reminds me of the times I'd "smash" all fucking day with my three roommates. How one of them would sit me down and teach me "The Art of Smash". You always have to play 5 stock, No Weapons.......

I cut my hair yesterday. I put it in a ponytail and then cut, cut, cut. Something about the whole thing made me feel like Mulan....

Working on some drawings to send away in envelopes........
should get back to them now........or.......something more productive.........like studying.

Here's a video that'll make you smirk:

chivalry

2010-09-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

you turn off all the lights
and i'm search blindly for the door handle,
turning it carefully
as I stop to listen
to hear your breathe behind me.
i can't see you
as we stumble out of apartment
with the taste of temptation still
oozing on our skin
our stomachs fizz like cans of shaken soda.

we melt down the stairs slowly
watching each step
with intense concentration.

in the parking lot
you begin to bitch as we arrive to the passenger's side door.
"look there is no keyhole. how am I supposed to unlock this,
to let you in?"
You look at me for answers.
I can just smile as you rant.
You scowl at the door's handle.

Finally, I see you head to the driver's side, shift in the seat, and
push open my door from inside, "sorry".

As we're on our route home
I empty my thoughts out through the window,
quietly remember all that was said today
as we stretched out low on your ground.
"I am a monster" you had said with a small smile.
Was it a confession, or just some brief statement spit out
from the spine for the sake of sound?
"I am a monster"

I whisper the words, let them roll around on my tongue.
I taste them for myself. The words seem to stick to the roof of my mouth
and
in the cracks of my teeth,
just like taffy.

photobooth/poems

2010-09-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

poem1: into miles:
there's this thing that i do
when you're sleeping,
when you're not looking,
when you're blinking.
i inch away
i inch inch inch.
some nights i inch to the other side of your bed
other nights, i inch myself all the way home.
and these inches will soon become feet
and the feet will inevitably become miles.
and my shape in your bed
will be filled in with dead skin.

poem 2: daydream(s) about robbery:
you are the buzzing in my phone,
the new message waiting in my inbox,
the scheme of all schemes.
i believe that you and i could
rob a bank
steal diamonds,
successfully plan and oversee
a great art heist.
and you would shift from neurotic
to charismatic effortlessly
in the get away car,
driving til the gas tank empties
somewhere in the desert
faster and faster
farther and farther
until we are specks on the land,
just sweat on the sun.

unrelated photobooth gems:

My new favourite poem.

My new favourite kid.

My new favorite hot air balloon videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEtIp-OSd_U&feature=fvw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyyCcjbrWOM&feature=fvw

P.S.

Decided that my new blog post will be fashion related/photo blog (with sam dee),

think it'd be nice to do a spread where clothes are the main focus.

I've been noticing the transition in my closet. I am dressing more lady-like/professional.

I feel good about this.

Going to go through my stuff and get rid of the excess.

Woke up in the asscrack of dawn, Ya'll.

2010-09-07T05:01:00.000-07:00

I like using the word buttload, like as in,
'I have a buttload of studying to do',
or
'I have a buttload of pancake batter in this bowl,
gonna make us an assload of hotcakes'.
I think assload would be my second favorite term for
measurement. They're kind of the same thing......
whatever.

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning in hopes that I will be able to turn in early tonight.
My sleeping schedule took a hit this weekend with my first week of bartending.
They say a good sleeping schedule is necessary for good mental health.
That and a good diet. BAM, YOU'RE FIXED.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I think about the way I should live my life.
I say things under my breathe like,
"I should eat healthy, sleep early, meditate, etc."
They say these things can cure
your body, fix your brain, make you happy.
A plate full of grains, A night full of dreams,
is that where it starts?
I sleep too much, I slept too little.
I eat too much, I ate too little.

P.S. Going to be around DIT FEST this weekend
before work at 11pm. Hope to see some of you there.
I'll be around there, somewhere,
growing out my hair.

MAY YOUR DAY BE FILLED WITH
SUNRAYS,
CHRIPING BIRDS,
SHIT LIKE THAT.
AMEN!

trying something different

2010-08-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

is incredibly scary. a recollection:

I told the woman who hired me "i love to learn, i learn quick, i am capable"
She asked me if I had any experience bartending. I am honest. I say no. She says
she wants to give me a chance. She gave me my hours and for three days straight I came in for three hours. I spent my time there nervously shaking behind the real bartenders
trying to memorize every tidbit of information I was capable of absorbing.
..............

On my first day, the first bartender gives me a tour of the kitchen and bar.
I am quiet and I smile as much as I can.
I give a lot of handshakes. I think handshakes are important. One woman dressed widly in pastels stops the tour momentarily. She says, "I saw you here getting interviewed, I like your hair."
I thank her. She kinda has the same haircut. I think I have a soccer mom haircut.

My first night of work is full of tidbits, and I'm trying hard to stay attentive.
She goes over the liquors, the drafts, the prices the computer system. She whispers the secrets, who to watch out for, who tips the best. She tells me all the important things as we smoke in the back. We ash simultaneously. She lets me look at my schedule. After these three days, I'm supposed to be a bartender for real. She looks me up and down, "You might make it," she says.

After the tour, she shows me how to make a few drinks. She lets me make a shot. It's called wet pussy. I think it's because of the color. We cheers to something, I can't remember what. It was ice cold in my throat.

Later, the first bartender introduces me to the regulars and to one of the other bartenders. The two seem like good friends and share many horrifying bar related experiences. I said things like they did what?, no way!, what the fuck, a lot in response. If I even try to type it out here, I start to blush.
................

For my next shift I wear a dress. I find out later that it's punk night. I meet some more regulars. The second bartender is the one I met yesterday. She's very nice and pretty funny. There are a lot of people and I pour a lot of beers. I spill a bunch of drafts onto my shoes and all over my legs and hands. I am glad that, in this situation, alcohol can't absorb through my skin to get me drunk.

One of the punk regulars orders a beer from me, he opens a tab and I recognized his name. Two days prior, I was talking to an old friend about my new job. He told me that if i ever met this guy to relay this message "I'm going to punch your sister in the tit". I tell that to the guy, leaving out the part about his sister. I tell him the name, he gives me a look and then nods.

As I'm leaving work, all the punk kids say "goodbye new bartender". One of the regulars follows me out and offers me his word that any of the guys there will watch out for me. I smile and thank him for the help. I walk to my car and drive home.
............

On my last day, I feel a bit worried. This is my last day in training and I don't feel even remotely close to prepared. The third bartender is nice, but for some reason she makes me uncomfortable and nervous. The day is really show and some muscledudes are assholes to me. I feel overwhelmed and question my ability as a "bartender". For a few hours I worry I'm not able. One of my co-workers comes up behind me and asks me if I feel safe. I think about it before replying, "yes". He smiles and says "you don't look safe, we're having a safety meeting in the back". I follow him past the kitchen and take a seat. We sip on beers and relax. I feel better.

The second bartender shows up right when I'm leaving. She asks me if I'm coming back. I'm tipsy and confused by her questions. "To work?" I ask. She laughs. I say, "I was planning on it". She laughs again. I tell her that i'll see her at work soon on my way out. I order jo-jos for dinner and eat them with ranch in my bedroom when I get home.

Thanks.

2010-08-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

I don't really like video games
but this one is special. It's beautiful:
LIMBO Info- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvRuu2rmZbI
I don't want to play it or anything, I just want to walk someone play it.
Limbo:

Also, played N64 intensely all weekend. I'm a very competitive person.
Had a six kill streak. Here's a blister to prove it. It doesn't really hurt.

Lost a job/got a job in a day. I'm going to be a bartender.
I just have to be trained how to mix/make drinks. It'll be an interesting job.
Gonna start wearing make-up because women who wear it get tipped better.
Maybe I won't be broke much longer.

Made this song/video. It's okay. I don't really know how to play guitar:

Today, I bought a planner. I'm hoping for a good semester. Sam's making her famous chicken fingers.
I'm going to try and spend a lot of my free days drawing. Now that I lost my other job, I'll have some downtime. I'm pretty excited about having little work this week. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my summer. Hope you do too.

saw this link via facebook, highly recommended it: http://akroncanton.craigslist.org/mis/1913567731.html

linking/ what are you doing?/ updated

2010-08-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

my mother believes is eastern medicine

(thanks for the picture zach)

today i

got the day off of work

centered my text

listened to this homemade street organ at kent's ice cream social

fell back in love with song 1, song 2

practice my ping pong game

this week i

tried to write a story and record a song.

I also rearranged my room, passed an e-check, and

spent time with my mom and dad. good news,

my mom met an electrician to fix our karaoke machine.

side note: click here to see shakira

more importantly, what are you doing?
i'm here on my computer getting ready for tutoring,
my one neighbor is trying to beat super mario on n64
my other neighbor is listening to rick james waxing up his honda.

p.s. really good links here-
funny tumblr about word verification:
http://captchart.tumblr.com/
jokes:
http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/
(thanks sam)

p.p.s working on a video.

don't be afraid

2010-08-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

"At the moment of orgasm, women do not have any emotional feelings."

To clarify: during an orgasm, parts of the brain involving fear and anxiety shut off. And I guess it's easier to be on stage, for those of you with stage fright, after an orgasm. After all this googling, all I really want is Chinese buffet.

In other news, mostly settled into the new place. We have four cats in this house. And all of them keep hanging out in my room. It feels like I own a cat clubhouse.

Here are some pictures of my new hat (thanks Lily!), , new drawing I started at my desk/dresser unit,New belt (with the house's nicknamed printed on, Thanks Paul) and the song I can't stop playing (thanks again music!)

Type A, Type B, So Divine.

2010-07-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Maybe I was meant to be a Type B person,
Wanna be laid back, love to stop and squish my toes all over the grass,
but I cling to my deadlines, and planners, and to-do lists
in hopes that I'm secretly a Type A person.

Shit, I'm split in the middle,
beginning to feel more like Mr. Hyde
and less like the doctor everyday,
always keeping my potions in the medicine cabinet,
next to the aspirin.

And my head has its own demands,
i got a taste for highs,
we want instant gratification.
Go get it, need it, have to have it,
My body has begun its revolt.

Perhaps I'm
Fighting to be successful,
with the backbone of a jellyfish,
and the determination of a dog in hot sun
panting, panting, panting with my tongue out.
"can we just sit in the shade for one second more?"
I beg and beg and beg
while planning out step by step lists.

I got a five year plan, but I keep getting sidetracked,
very aware of my demise, of my internal clock tick tick tocking away.
i'm poked in the eyes by the fingers of my internal skeletons,
bones on a shelf, dust on the entertainment center,
"i know this could be over right now."
I don't want to fall face first in the dirt too early
with only a bookbag full of experiences
and a brain turned to mush by temptations.

I believe that being grown up means having discipline....
or maybe I've just watched "The Karate Kid" one too many times,
cause I keep wishing I had my own little Asian man
who'd teach me patience
and balance and respect,
all the things my parents overlooked.

A boy says, "once when I was serving this man at this local bar and grill,
the man inquired if I had any regrets,
he was old and gray, not yet bald, his thin strands
firmly rooted to his sagging skull"

and the boy repeated what he had said then,
as i said what i believed after,
while watching images of failures and heart ache
flush through my head, like a flood through a city.

As that wise man shifts through our timelines, he
exposes his mind and our mind on plates made of crystal,
that sparkle and shine rainbows into our eyes,
as our bodies become fleshy prisons that seep into our hands,
so that we're nothing but air temporarily,
we feel like grains of sand.

the gray man said to the boy, "you're living life right if you have no regrets."
and it seems we had both answered correctly, at least by his standards,
so what to do now, oh,
what to do now?
I guess just keep living!

As we compose ourselves back into bodies,
The boy and I go to the store in his damp car,
our destination contained under long flickering overhead lights
and discounts from a smiley-face,
it's a straight shot to the meat department,
drooling over fresh cut slabs.

I can't believe this red blob was once a cow and now it's a
sirloin cooked on a gas stove,
wish I had wine to swish around in my mouth
I want to feel so refined.

Everything is just as good as caviar, I suppose....
Or I least pretend, slicing away tenderly and affectionally,
I feel rich in my own right, today is tops:
I'm a brick of gold,
I'm a bag of currency.
This steak is so divine.

three videos

2010-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

1) Lily Perfect reads her poem. (sorry about the audio)

2) A song I made with a friend on an out of tune ukulele one year ago.

3) Whispers cutting, pasting, arranging with a garage band mix-up I made nine months ago playing.

EDIT:
My first article in OTHEROTHER.ORG!
http://www.otherother.org/2010/07/how-to-be-in-charge/
Thanks for viewing/reading/existing.

anthill

2010-07-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

i'm not afraid of sleeping alone
i'm not afraid of spiders
i'm not afraid of god
i'm not afraid to puke,
i'll wipe my lips of and continue drinking.

but i am afraid of some things, all silly,
like facing empty rooms alone
or being chased in the night.
i'm afraid of deserted parking lots
with a strange boy growling on top of an rv.
i'm afraid of what we will become.
but i have enough hope, or faith, or sunny disposition
to braid the roads between us
because i want to twist and turn
with you incase you need me.

i'm not afraid of sadness,
i'll crunch those bad moods between my toes
like sand and dirt and mud.
i carry a smile full of teeth because
i'm afraid you wont see what i'm seeing
or you won't get what i'm saying
maybe smiles are infectious
like various diseases.

i'm doing my very best to pull you out of your depths
and onto my ant hill.
the view's okay here.
not great
but okay.

i told you once,
and i can tell you again,
because i don't mind being redundant:
underestimate me
so i have nothing at all to lose or gain
nothing to fulfill
or leave empty.
no one to let down
or excite.
i can't be your first
and i refuse to be your last.

i just want my heart to stop beating
i just want more adrenaline
i just want more streetlights in this city
so i can walk home accompanied by soft glows
i want more lightening bugs.
or something.

i really really want to punch that drunk girl
for running her mouth
right in the navel, in the brim of her nose,
somewhere in earlobe
while i laugh
ha ha ha
and spit
who's ugly now?
as she
bleeds
bleeds
bleeds.

i really really want to scare someone
like they've scared me
in the night
quietly creeping
jumping out from corners
i gotcha
i gotcha
i gotcha.

huddle around a fire,
i dance for the spooks in the night
i sing for the bumps in the night.
i'll be a ghost one day
but right now i'm the living,
it's very frightening to be awake sometimes.

overload

2010-07-13T00:59:00.000-07:00

just got the best word verification: read me.
don't know why but i think that's so great.
also formspring

and videos:

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE, RIGHT?
show me a video.

2010-07-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

today i used my tumblr.

i'm still confused and lost.

here are some photos from my desktop

with a re-occuring theme.

days off

2010-07-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did a cover with my neighbor Laine.
I think it turned out alright.

http://kiwi6.com/file?id=7s47mjec6o

Anyways, working on a new project:
ohiowhispers.blogspot.com.

It's going to have videos of people reading, etc.

Spent all of last evening watching youtube videos and reading up on my zodiac predictions.
It's supposed to be a good week for Libras.

Plan B

2010-07-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

the neighbors are nice and i feel like telling secrets:
so i say, confidently, here is my plan for 2012.

i spill my words,
staining the conversation
like motor oil on white bedsheets,
i am quick to defend my plan with an arrogant ease:
"plan b is essential incase the world ends."

i'm secretly, foolishly, sadistically, excited by the idea
of burning buildings and fallen cellphone towers.

i rush to the dark
and converse with a stranger
we're lips to lips in the corner
eye to eye in the cracks,

i think he's telling me secrets

but they feel like excuses
so i whisper my words into his ears

softly like the ocean when it speaks from seashells.

i feel disconnected as i carry on
serving my worldview with melancholy fury,
"no one believes in you, and that's okay. You are as important
as you, individually, believe yourself to be. i'm sorry."
i look at his face, watching his eyebrows mimic salt water waves.
wishing i could decipher the curl of his lips.

i taste our distress as it seeps out of our pores,
slowly, evaporating into the stale air.

i suck in copious amounts of oxygen feverishly,
feeling more human, more cynical, than ever before.

it is our right

2010-06-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling "ladylike" lately
i've been shouting 'every girl is a princess!'
thanks to the movie a little princess
i felt weird
and then happy
when it was finished
a lot of things filled my head,
my brain stirred around as
i thought to myself:
i should always be kind
and humble.
man, that dad was cool.
i want to work in an orphanage.
i should see india for myself.
kids rule.
friendship is magical.
(adding some things to my bucketlist)

it made me cry for two reasons:
sad children
dad love
speaking of dads, today i had a really good conversation with my dad
i feel like we're becoming great friends.
he told me he had just finished reading my latest letter.
we never discuss what i write in my letters.
i can only tell my dad how i really feel in letters,
so we leave it there.

he said he would write me a letter
if he could find the right things to say
i am pretty nervous because
his handwriting is really hard to read.

subject and predicates

2010-06-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

it is strange being an english tutor sometimes.

i teach two kids.

i drive to their homes.

i hide my tattoos.

i do not smoke or smell of smoke.

at 'work' i get the comfier desk chair because i am older.

the moms usually bring me a glass of juice. it's nice because my mouth gets dry a lot.

sometimes i get capri-suns or kool-aid.

once i got two cookies and a bag of chips.....in the same day.

one kid has a really nice grandma. his grandma told me i look good.

she liked my canadian tuxedo.

i call her grandma too.

she has a warm smile and curly hair.

seems all korean grandmas look alike.

i bow when i enter the home, i bow when i leave.

the other kid has no nice grandma which is okay too.
i'm not there for the grandmas.

her mother reminds me of my mother.
they both make me uncomfortable in the same way.

i don't bow when i enter their home or when i leave.

i did once and she said i didn't have to.

she was very firm with me.

now, i just freeze up when she talks to me.

a long time ago, mixed korean children were the result of

rape

prostitution

and

women who married for citizenship.

these women were called war brides.

i think she views me in a negative light.

i feel like i'm not korean enough to respectfully bow to her.

this is the way it seems. i hope it's just in my head.
either way, i understand.
it is okay.

today one mom sounded like she was getting mugged, sexed up, or tortured.

she was making the weirdest noises in the room below.

i was concerned.

seconds later, i found out she was just watching south korea play in the world cup.

summer rhymes

2010-06-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

Whispers (summer 2010 ed.) will be released in July

at We Gallery in Akron, Ohio.

There will be readings available online in the upcoming weeks and the day of,

please mark your calendars.

We will also be selling and reading from Whispers (Winter 2009 and Summer 2010)

at the gallery.

Make room for one (or two) for your bathroom/bookshelf/coffee table.

please contact me if you need any information spookyguts@gmail.com

** Also got this in the mail today!
Really excited to read it (and so are my roommates and friends!)
Will post a review as soon as I'm done.
Thanks, Ben Brooks!

Showhio!!!/ lost hat

2010-06-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

starring lily peterson, sam dee, noah cicero, sarah san, brittany wallace

lost this hat last night...found it this morning...in my living room.
hope everyone's having a nice day.

i'm afraid of burning buildings.

2010-06-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes i worry that i'm crazy,
i was too impatient to let the water boil on the stove,
i threw the ramen noodles into the pot anyways.
i don't need to follow the instructions on its label.
it's no big deal.
with my finger i push the square thing of noodles hard into the pot.
i wish i could speed up time with intense buddha-like concentration.
sometimes three minutes feels oddly long.

the stove is sizzling and i hear a choir singing humbly from the fridge
and i need to stop for a moment to remind my brain
that's impossible, there's not a choir in this house right now
nor will there ever be.

i move to the living room and sit on the couch, overwhelmed for no real reason. the stove's still on, left unattended, maybe i've been sitting here for a few seconds or twelve minutes.
i'm not very sure.

business

2010-06-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

These are the updates, this is what's going on:

1) made a little blog with some stories I wrote this semester.

maybe you can read it in your free time or something.

2) got shit in the mail. popserial (linked in the sidebar for download).
i love getting shit in the mail. if you ever want to mail me something,

i will let you and probably write back. i can't make any promises.

3) working on an article about how to be a businesswoman for otherother.org

4) watching documentaries on netflix.com

5) trying to read/write more

6) having lunch with the japanese exchange students at my parent's house on friday

7) making a surplus of to-do lists

8) making color coded work schedules

9) watching king of the hill

10) writing a letter while wondering where the hell is tim?

11) taking the day off from work.

12) learning about chillwave

13) uploading youtube video(s)

13) playing neopets

sitting at the diner

2010-06-02T05:09:00.000-07:00

hi. how are you?
i'm at the diner. i just dropped you off at work,
goo goo doll's slide is on the radio.
do you like them? i'm unsure how i feel about them,
all i know is that i really like that song called iris.
the one where it's all like "and i don't want theee whole to seee me, cause i don't think that they'd understand!"
that song was around when life was strange
the goo goo dolls were really there for me
when you know, the 90s were rough. man, those days,
i remember now, i was young...in need of braces and a new pair of pants
probably in middle school.
flashforward....
now i'm in 2010, chilling in this diner...
and i still need those braces and i'm not even wearing pants!
but oh well, too late now, no regrets.
see you later. wish you were here. listen to slide.
i'll see you after i'm done tutoring english.

out of order

2010-05-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

one day a man realized
how truly broken he was,
so he spent the rest of his money on tool sets
to fix broken things

the man never felt terrible
when he was tinkering away
trying to repair what was once damaged.

oh, he could make that broken record player
sing again
he could make any engine
purr like a new born kitten.

but when everything in his home
worked like brand new,
when every broken thing is his home
was fixed

the man had nothing to
busy his mind or his hands

akron

2010-05-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

starting out, we pull into a garage with guys waxing their rides hard,

instrumentals on the speakers

and 12 oz bottles of coca cola passed around the room.

i'm sitting on the arm of your chair indian style.

you turn and say "comfortable?"

and i reply, "this is my favorite place to sit"

as you crunch up a hard pretzel with your teeth

the crumbs spill onto your shirt

and with the back of your hand
you brush them off swiftly

while saying "sometimes i feel like a raccoon".
they fall onto the ground without much sound.
i watch men tinker with an engine for a long time.

in the morning, i request a song while you speed along

swinging through traffic in your 91 miata, 7/4 shoreline for good measure.

"it's like that" you say, shuffling through your mp3 player

finding the song, plugging in the jack

"it's like that" i reply but you weren't listening,

the music was already blaring

into our ears

and out the car window.

an update.

2010-05-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

school's out.
maybe i should....drink a beer,
wait did that. shit. what now?

anyways, this is what's new:
started using my twitter
http://twitter.com/sarahsan
started using a tumblr....seriously.
spookyguts.tumblr.com
if you have youtube
www.youtube.com/skyfishsarah

want to start something
with some sort of medium(s)
with some sort of result(s)
something epic.
whatever.
my mind has been a bit squishy.
need to maintain the chemicals.
wanted to get off the 'pills'.
guess that messes you up.

shoulda been a doctor.
or a pop star.
damn, is it too late?

safe haven

2010-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

eat, or be eaten
fight, attack,
cease fire.
the bushes are burning,
the buildings are burning,
where is the safe haven,
what is escape?

do you know the fire escape plan?
have we practiced it all,
i know i'm going to smash my body through the windows,
then i'll roll around in the glass,
let the smoke seep into my cuts just because
i want to smell dangerous.
is that the right way?

where are you hiding,
is it safe
is anywhere really safe?
am i asking too many questions?
can i ask one more?
should i pay you for your time?
nevermind. it doesn't matter,
i'm done talking.

one more thing though, why did you smile at me like that,
in the sly, soft, sweet, way
that makes me want to be romantic?
are you aware of any of this?
i know all of your front teeth by heart,
but i'd rather know your cavities.
should i bring a flashlight?
'safe' seems to live in a person and not a place,
well, maybe it's a place,
your hair would make a nice bed.
you make me feel safe,
but from what? do i smell dangerous?
stop smiling at me like that
if you can't make everything better,
i need an individual of your height and proportions
to sew inspiring quotes to the insides of my eyelids.

how things have changed but stayed the same, not really.

2010-05-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

ana c has put my work in wavevomit, check it out...along with all the other good shit up.
socrates has launched this wonderful site
i'll be contributing articles there when finals are over, it's gonna rule. click click.
anyways:
The semester is almost over (good luck fellow scholars)
can't wait to be done for the year,
i'm planning on making a movie that will be shown at the kent state
in october (part of a film festival run by jorge delarosa and others).
they just had one last week, it was nice, here's more info
might be pretty good
I think that Noah is going to write a script for it, and then i'm going to pretend
I know how to shoot/direct/make a real movie.
I'm sure my nice friends will help me and be a part of it, hint hint hint hint.

I am looking forward to the summer, kinda feeling restless in my legs.
I've been feeling uncomfortably romantic lately.
I think you should buy the insurgent.
I think you should purchase this insurgent book
I think you'd look nice naked in bed reading this book by noah.

bought a knock-off iphone recently.
feel like the women waltzing around with fake prada bags.
i am them, and they are me, and we are all okay with being wannabes.

wore my positive attitude today

2010-05-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

it's a summer day and roy orbison's blaring on the speakers.
all the windows are down, including the sunroof's
while i roll around, with my stomach twisting,
with my seat belt on.

i hate when i am reminded again that
everything is temporary.
i can't explain how it feels exactly:
it's kinda like watching ten dollars fly out the car window
on a beautiful summer day.
it's kinda like pulling over with the hazard lights on
walking back and forth like the little ball in pong,
bouncing off the paddles.

in a stranger's yard,
the grass was wildly in need of a trim
and it grows slowly as i shout quickly
at passing cars,
"you have it and it's gone.
it is yours and then it's not"

and life goes on as we shrug off our small losses
as we attempt to feel valid by comparing the things we've gained in
recent days to feel a sense of redemption
seems like life always has a way of either shortchanging
or evening itself out

as i pull into the local coffee shop, short ten bucks,
i decide to treat myself to an americano and muffin anyways,
the breeze shifts through your hair uncomfortably,
seducing your cowlicks to stick up straight and stiff
from your head,
and when i turn the key in the ignition
as i'm saying "until next time"
the car battery dies
and i try to smile hard at my rear view mirror,
repeating secretly under my breath
"everything is lovely, regardless"

i am grateful when you decide to walk me to school,
as i tell you that someday i will marry a lawyer
you laugh like a crazed jackal at this idea.
you say, "i hope he's a radical lawyer"

i feel silly for missing my ten dollars still
when there are other things to wrap my thoughts
tightly around:
you wore swim trunks today
because you were out of clean boxers.

and i think about how much i love you with my brain
because that's where the concept of love is, because my heart
just pumps blood through its arteries
so how can i love you with an organ like that?
i guess i will try if you'd like me too,
i will love you with all my arteries.

friday.

2010-04-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

I submitted my writing portfolio today.
It was pretty hectic and kind of ridiculous.
Luckily, I woke up early enough just in case.
Rolled off my good friend's couch, stopped by my house to brush my teeth and picked up two 'chillwave + feel good' cassettes: Roy Orbison's greatest hits, and Miles Davis's The Birth of Cool.
so, i submitted my portfolio for my minor today, this is how it went, fuck:

i'm going to celebrate tonight. i will drink a beer and maybe fall in love with traveling trapeze artist.

cabin fever 2010

2010-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went on vacation.

Man, leaving town is always so pleasant. I spent a lot of time cooking hotdogs. It was nice to sleep in a lazy boy, drink a few brews, and participate in card games. More importantly, it was nice to spend time with the people that are family. I'm glad that I got to see the cabin again. Above are some photos of this year's trip. Below are some from the last year's visit.

The photos remind me that life is good.

I can't help but realize how much 'the gang' has changed in one year. The growth that happens between 17-21 is something strange and wonderfully special. As my final year of school approaches this fall, I'm becoming more aware of how much time I really have left in Ohio. More importantly, I have learned how lovely some people really are. I won't forget.

in a way

2010-04-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

The weekend started with a packed car waiting outside of my last class.
I was terribly anxious in Japanese, spazzing out like a goldfish in a bag of water. This was the last class..the only thing left in my day that stood between me and my weekend vacation with my friends. I ran out filled with the same amount of energy and excitement seen in kids on the last day of school. I don't know if they still do this but when I was little all the buses would start honking like crazy when the bells finished their final rings. The honks continued on until they pulled out of the school parking lot, while all the children sang as loud as they could
"no more school, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks".

This morning I helped my mom's friend send her kids off to school. I zipped up coats and watched spongebob squarepants. I tied some shoes and wiped snot out of their faces. I listened to one recite his poem replying, "again with some feeling". Eight ten came around and they piled out as I waved good bye. I placed myself in a chair and pulled a camel 99 out of the pack, sat there smoking on the deck as I watched them file into the school bus. A nice start to a Monday.

After the kids were gone, I took a shower because there's no bathtub. It was a change. I never take showers, not the way I was raised. It wasn't terrible. It was relaxing in an 'I'm standing in warm rain' kind of way......Sat at the dining room table with a cup of coffee and cream. Cracked open the books and felt really excited about studying and going to school. This morning I felt invincible in a way that I haven't. I felt like I could be capable of accomplishing something meaningful one day.

talking around tables

2010-04-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

And I keep finding myself at tables
raising these questions about faith and religious beliefs......
now it's too late to add this to the discussion I was having,

but I spent all day at work wishing i had said it anyways.

Sometimes religion is nice if you need a place to go when you die,

but here on earth, you really need other people more than anything.

i think a person is more capable of "saving" me than the god nestled comfortably

in the clouds who may or may not exist.

I don't think i want to be saved anymore.

I don't know what i need to be rescued from.

I'm just fine.

jesus

2010-04-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

a recap of odd moments:

(1) made a iced latte for the girl, accidentally added hazelnut to the drink, told the girl's friend because she had went to the bathroom. went something like "i accidentally put hazelnut in this, think she'd mind?"
the girl's friend replied, "oh...man, she's allergic to nuts, i found out four minutes ago". Then we kind of laughed uneasy together because that could have been bad. While I was making a new drink someone said "hey sarah" as they were passing the coffee shop, we both responded. Both of our names were sarah.

(2) when i moved to ohio from korea, i remember the first boy who had a crush on me. He was a nice guy but he wasn't my type and told me i looked like Lucy Lui. I don't. Well anyways, saw him at the bar a few months ago and we chatted for a bit......Yesterday my dad called to update me on the portage county arrests (I'm not sure why he always does this) usually I don't recognize any of the names. he informed me that four people were going to jail for armed robbery. that guy was one of them.

(3) yesterday i was doing japanese homework outside. this guy sat down next to me and asked me if i was a spinelli, if my family was from the area. He asked me if my dad used to wrestle. I said yes. he then realized that I was the daughter of a boy he used to coach wrestling to in junior high. never thought i'd meet that guy.

(4) last night i was pissing in the zephyr bathrooms, minding my own business, when this girl blurts out "is there anyone else in here?".....I said, "yes" she said, "what's your name?" so i said....."Sarah".
Then the girl said, "sarah san?" and I said..."UhhhhHhHhHhHhhh yeah". After I flushed I waited out of curiosity for the girl behind stall to wipe off or whatever. the ending is irrelevant.

showtime

2010-04-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

EDIT:
SUBMIT TO WAVE VOMIT (BE COOL)
APRIL'S NEGATIVE SUCK (WAY COOL)
(little late on posting the second link...but anyways its got some of my poems in there + gamedface's)

People are doing April's Poem a day challenge,
DEDICATED:
gamefaced
wired writer

Other Good stuff,
LEGIT:
jjffjj
the world looks better in pink

there was a time when daisy was day's eye,
but then we squished it together and left it alone.
oh there was a time with O.K. meant zero kills, the grace of god,
no casualties on the battle field.
and we shook our heads up and down, no blood shed on our side,
shouting from camp to camp, glory glory glory.
i think, maybe, we've come a long way, those
bones dug up from the ground. they've found our relatives with their eyes rotted out,
while winds whispered there's nothing to see there, in the grave, nothing to see anymore
as i look on i
wonder why mankind still believes we will one day return to the skies when the body stops functioning.
i could see the possibility and the comfort that resides in that belief.
its only human to want a big finish.....to want a soul that flies home
to wish that we are more than bones, muscles, rapid heart beats
but it doesn't even matter to me where we started,
what invisible intangible item may exist inside my chest, next to my heart,
I'm too concerned with the moments that lead up to end
to give it a second thought,
the afterlife doesn't apply to me
its not important
everyone and everything is so temporary anyways.
oh it seems there is so much in front of my eyes that i haven't even begun to understand.
so i'd like to start there first.
after i strip off my clothes
a warm bed awaits.
and when the curtains fall
i'll catch the neighbor
trying to peak in
at my naked skin
like he has been since i moved in-
he wants a show
but i gave up my song and dance routine a long time ago.
this is it
this is all that i am,
here
confused and anxious
born out from my mother
as a stranger watches me
can i assume he has a soul
and a god
and a mother?
does he assume these things about me?
is that what excites him
or does his blood rush only because i am vulnerable, uncovered, exposed?

leave it alone.

let me

2010-04-08T23:38:00.001-07:00

This is a picture of my haircut. The other is my mom in the house I used to live in. Aaron, my neighbor, did a nice job chopping my hair off. I am feeling like myself. Before I cut my hair, I had to ask my mother. I promised her I wouldn't cut it, that I would grow it out so she could stop complaining about how I looked. She thinks I should make more of an effort to look like a 'classy' young lady. I've just never made that effort because it seems stupid. I said, 'woman, I am grown and I like my hair short, even if you think it makes me look like a boy'. I feel bad that I am not the lady she wanted me to be, that we are so different as people. She always wanted me to be the all-american girl: cheerleader, sports star, dates the quarterback, tan. I am 21 years old. I think she's giving up on me. At least she has my sister. She turned out right. My mother has started to leave me alone about the whole ordeal. I think she's perplexed that I chose not to conform with the "glamor girls". She thinks I'm the prettier daughter, but sadly, also the slower one too. She tells me that I'm a crazy gypsy but I know her heart hides somewhere inside of her. We have one thing in common..we are both very superstitious. Still, I don't think she'll ever understand me so I let her read my palms to gain insight or I let her study my features in depth. She believes I have a lucky face. She points out the shape of my ears, says they are 'rich people' ears....she believes that in the future I will be wealthy because of them. Sometimes she asks if she can pluck my eyebrows or put make up on me, that is, if my sister doesn't ask first. So I sit there uncomfortably letting them groom me because this is how monkeys, and in some cases asian and asian-italian women, show their love.

today, the update.

2010-04-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

I sat in a room with two green arm chairs, and a man dressed in variations of brown extended his hand and said, "Jeremy". I placed my hand into his, and wrapped my fingers tight around it. I wanted to give one of those firm handshakes that make an impression, that says "this is a good handshake and i am a good honest person that is a little bit crazy, but good none the less"
judging by the look on his face I don't think my potential charming handshake worked as planned.
It seemed like he took it as aggressive, probably worrying to himself, thinking, "this girl is trying to hurt me, i might have a sadist on my hands"

when we sat down, there was a momentary silence, before he cleared his throat and said "is there anything on your mind?", so i spoke, i told him that i was new at this counseling business and i wasn't sure what i was supposed to do, or even talk about.
he then said, "well...what are you thinking?"
and I replied, "i was thinking about how your shoes are brown, too brown, maybe a driftwood brown, and I'm wondering what your major is and if this is something you'd like to do as a career, i'm also curious why that lawn chair is here, it's not like our chairs that are green and cushiony, it looks so out of place, who put that here? and are those video cameras recording everything i do? Oh, and sorry I was late, you can't believe how long the bus takes and it was so full today, the whole time i was on the bus, i thought about skipping our meeting, but now that i see you here, I'm glad i didn't because i don't really like being rude."

During this reply,
I was pointing to a plastic lawn chair that was pushed in the corner and shrugging my shoulders too many times in Jeremy's direction when I vomited all my words up.

He then kind of smiled at me like maybe he was about to laugh but couldn't because this was a professional kind of environment where no laughing is aloud, but crying is okay... i kinda wish he did but he brought his fist to his mouth and coughed instead then saying...."no no no, I meant how are you feeling, like what do you think about your feelings, do you know what you want to work out?"

Then I said, "hahahaha.......whoops" and was quiet for about five minutes, trying to figure out where to even start.

wicker chair sacrifice

2010-04-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

when the wicker chair was sacrificed to the fire,

the darkness ran for cover
as a beam of life lit a perfect circle around us.
we had been in the dark for so long
that my eyes dilated from the change

and my view switched settings.

now exposed and aware
that i could be in some make shift snow globe inside the palm of a young boy's hand.
ash spreading, moving counter clockwise, inside of our bubble,
tickling up tar lungs
my brain says
'look at your features under hot spotlights'

i feel like punching out the sun.

with all of our faces illuminated,
i saw yours again for the first time in four months

i remember now, everything, as i'm
watching your lips shake as your voice crawled up your throat

saying to no one in particular
with a tact and understanding

a respect for semantics

a comment involving what was really occurring

in front of our eyes

the effect of the minutes passed
on the soft bodies.

the lights were dimming,
as the wicker chair turned to dust
and you spoke more hurriedly in an attempt to

not to miss the chance
the oppurtune moment
for commentary
with your face well composed,
saying,
"the day in the nut shell"
with your arms spread out long
with your finger tip pointed
at the scene of the crime
as agreement stirs from the other witnesses
in low mumbles, reflecting, spitting out, 'precisely!'

oiutsm,arted

2010-04-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

also,

boring update/ boring video/

2010-03-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

spring break 2010 midwest spring break party time!
sick. doctors appt at 3. gotta go. see ya.
weekend okay.
wanna punch jl for being a terrible human being
'just exactly who do you think you are?'
self defense/learn how to fight vids available on youtube
just f'lexed in the mirror. not impressed. ever.
from now on refusing to be in the same room as that
piece of ccrappp. zap. life will change. thats okay.
old friend called from texas. not a lot of people liked him,
because he was a rude dude, but deep down he's true blue.
the kind of guy that flick off all your friends,
but when you needed him, he'd be there first (before all
the people he flicked off). it was like that.
so. scores even. right?

m,y jkeyabords fiucjked jkiust been deletiung the excess characters.

cheesy. still rules.

separation anxiety

2010-03-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

i view things in black and white
i feel that grays symbolize an uncertainty,
until we are defined again by black and whites.
i admit this.

i admit i can be wrong about this.
and i've never tried to present my case in a way
that suffocated the opposition

i've never pretended to enjoy
the company of someone who i find rotten at their core.
so yes, i'll stay inside if they're outside my door, surrounded by all the bodies
that once warmed me on the coldest nights,
but i will never join them, as long at the rotten core is placed inside of the circle.
it's like that whole bad apple scenario, if i remember correctly, it went something like this:
one bad apple spoils the bunch.
and fuck, i've been trying to be bigger about this,
but i still want to chew you up and spit you out.

i went to counseling once, the woman said that i hold loyalty high in my life,
and that there is nothing wrong with that, but through my 24 hours, night and day routine,
i find that this idea, loyalty, is causing a separation.
a separation, indeed.

sometimes i see it in a room full of people emptying out,
filling another room that i am not permitted to enter
a boy said to me, "you're just being difficult"

and i see in these actions, i panic, an anthill of problems, a lack of unity,
discovered in the dark, crushed by the tip of my tennis shoe,
burned by a cigarette's cherry.

once, the lights came on,
and all the cockroaches scattered,
as the shadows stayed put like cement,
fearful, i attempted to place myself in a group
among women, asian-american, college student, medicated,
but the whole attempt left me exhausted and bitter.

my professor invited me over for coffee, looked me in the face and said,
"i can tell that you are different from the person i met, you are a good egg,
just a little rough around the edges, but you have the intention to understand human
suffering on your own accord, as you define.....however you see fit"

and i asked, "is that wrong?"
and he replied, "You may not be happy with the outcome"

it's natural

2010-03-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

When I was young, in science class, I was told that we are all omnivores...
I wonder, ARE WE STILL, as a whole, as a group?
I think that's what is beautiful about humans being,
we have that ability to change our ways,
we can grow up big and buff, lanky and frail.
we can say
fuck being an omnivore, i'm going to be a herbivore instead..
and that is fine.
but these teeth, my teeth, were made for chewing burgers and broccoli.
One day, I could be an herbivore.
Maybe when the recession is over.
I am feeling optimistic today.
I'll never be a vegan because I don't have that kind of cash money.
I am also feeling realistic.

To be fair, I understand the trouble with dairy, why it is so unhealthy, it is a bit unnatural.
I think we might be one of the few, if not only,
animals that suck on another momma's teet but goddamn ice cream is tasty and beautiful.

and last night I looked at a pretty face
we were both in a quiet state
watching the smoke rise
shining flashlights in a dark room
staring at each other for too long
on our backs. sprawled over a cold wood floor.
Later, before bed,
he rolled on top of me
and said
"I am squishing you"
and he was.

Yesterday I sat at a small square table, with a really tall boy
who was studying for some midterm exam,
and we talked about how we are different,
about his faith, about my lack of,
about how i might not be able to get into heaven
but that's okay.
i know that i will be food for the worms one day,
and there's really nothing wrong with that.

and it was nice because we didn't argue one bit,
we just accepted it for what it was.
some believe because it provides purpose and meaning and security,
and i understand those things are important.
when i think about death i don't think about clouds
no i think about the way i'm going to die.
and if you and i were stuck on a mountain, i'd let you eat me
because after all, you are an omnivore,
'go ahead sink your teeth in'.

your teeth are capable of tearing up steak and vegetables
regardless of your life choices
so if you ever change your mind
we can have an all american bbq.

and, i think that's kind of wonderful
i feel a sense identity when i remember i'm an animal,
because sometimes i forget.

i tried to give advice

2010-03-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here with a person, he has always been very kind and caring,
and I'm trying my very best to make him feel better,
and if hearts were really responsible for sharing and caring
rather than just pumping blood through arteries,
then his heart would be considered, "thoughtful, considerate, golden".

he refuses to look at me, staring hard at the carpet, as he tells me,
"honestly, i just don't get the point of living if this is all there is."

I try to say things about you know, the future, and stuff, about how good summer feels,
about life, how it is really just composed of bad days and good days. that's all.
Maybe you don't need a purpose in life, or even a meaning, maybe that's it: there is no point.

I try to reason with him, pretending there are wonderful jewels and gems pushed back farther in the dark.
I admit, "there are terrible and great things to feel, and yes, sometimes things do suck"

He adds, speaking more feverishly than before,
"But if it sucks, then why keep going? the faithful are afraid to die like that because they fear hell, and the others, they know that it's just dirt and more dirt, that's all.......maybe that's why spirituality exists, we can't have all those people offing themselves, society can't function without them"

I rub my eyes.
Thinking hard.
Yes,
Sometimes
people snap,
satisfaction is lost,
meanings are exposed to be meaningless,
desire is hushed,
the core crumbles,
as rivers get sucked up into the sky, leaving behind dry ditches.

And it seems like for every person falling down into to the dirt,
there's another person cleaning themselves off,
like every moment something breaks, like a leg,
then something else is fixed, like a leg,
cut out of its cast.

a dog dies but a puppy is born.

It's like
a tug of war, a pull and push game, involving human minds on coarse rope,
which always ends in a perpetual tie that
leaves all the participants with red hands and sore limbs.

participant

2010-03-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

this morning I rolled out of bed with the sheets still sticking to my bare limbs and
the room was messier than i remembered,
this must've happened last night some time after the sipped drinks
before the runs in my stockings,
potentially during
the frantic search for my keys, i.d., credit card.
i fix my skirt in the bathroom mirror before
swinging into the student center
spotting a blond boy's inviting smile inside
we speak briefly, saying very little,
and on my way out
i watch him
and he watches me.
we keep smiling and waving grinning
reminiscent about something that's nothing
until the windows ends
replacing his face
with red bricks
i walk up the steps
and step into a room
where i am greeted by an attractive woman,
she points to an empty room, handing me a pen,
instructing me to fill out a questionnaire
regarding my sleep habits, ability to enjoy little things,
i bubble in my responses apprehensively.
the next few minutes involve her quizzing me with
complex puzzles involving memory and reaction time.

on her way out, she instructs m e to watch fourteen images of faces on a computer screen
while writing down which emotion I felt was on display

and everyone looked nervous or fearful, at least to me,
behind their smiles, i only looked in their eyes.

when i am finished, i inform the woman,
she interviews me again, questioning me further on topics regarding
energy, ability, anxiety, and guilt.
she says "do worry a lot?"
i crack a nervous smile,
"yes, i wish i didn't. it's such a silly emotion"
she corrects me noting that 'worry' is a thought process.
she has a beautiful smile.
after the session is over, she hands me twenty dollars for my time,
but i remain in the room an hour longer
discussing the roles of women in present day society
rewinding her responses and head nods in the back of my head.
when i finally leave she says ' I hope you're okay'
and i tell her 'you too'.

outside the sun is a warm ball of atoms
and i am a warm body of atoms.
everything feels sensational
in a way that reminds me of something
that's nothing anymore.

sun daze

2010-03-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

a sweet video/ great song/ * * * * *

Last night I got a migraine at work. I haven't had one in years.
The left side of my brain felt like an invisible soldier
was stomping my forehead into tiny pieces.
So I left my seat and I soaked cold water
over my hands and face in the break room sink.

Returning to my seat, I pushed on my temples with gentle force
as I read public opinion polls to South Carolina residents.

I took their statistical data as fast as I could, so I could return to the main call screen.

When I finally did, I laid my head down onto my desk.
Every ten seconds the program took note of how long I was 'idle'.
While I thought, 'fuck it'.

I don't like the computer counting the times when I am being unresponsive and inefficient,
I'm glad that I don't have this program observing other parts of my day,
because I might crumble when I see how many hours I have wasted in my day being 'idle'.

This morning my dad called to get lunch.
We met at the local bar and ordered two 'guy on a couch' sandwiches.

I watched the muted television screens while he told Irish related jokes to the people around us.
They joined in, throwing out some of their own. Soon the bar was filled with laughter.

The whole time he was delivering punch lines, his motions were exaggerated and his laugh inviting.

He elbowed me in the rib with a smile on his, forcing my own lips to follow as they curled up,
before saying, "you always look exhausted. It's okay to relax a little."

And I wish I could.

For years, I have been trying to perfect my abilities to balance it all.
It seems like some people are just more capable of carrying on,
under any circumstances
While I wear the bags on my eyes like gold medals
'Look what I've earned'

Humans are being conditioned to perform like the machines
man created, productively and accurately,
but goddamn
all I want to do is ignore my responsibilities,
my schedule, and my to-do lists.
wish i was building a wigwam or
getting a sun burn instead.

It will take practice.

2010-03-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've begin to realize that my dislike of certain people is truly silly and meaningless.

That I, for many years, have hated people for fake reasons I concocted to make my opinions feel valid.

When in reality, I fear them because I don't understand their actions.

And history serves as an example. For decades, we have hated what we feared and vice visa.

And if we want to break the habit, it takes a conscious effort. It will take practice.

Some human beings have no capacity to show compassion or wit.

And that is the beauty of people, when we strip them down, to analyze them naked.

This diversity exists, and it is complex and complicated, but nonetheless it exists.

Some are capable of more hate than others, and I should accept it rather than

clench my fists tight waiting for the next motion.
I am no better than my enemies, I roll around in the same dirt.

And for so long we've made these battles too physically and mentally strenuous,
in an attempt to get even.

So, I scold myself and promise that I will try and stay out of my head.

To work externally more than internally. To push my focus somewhere else.

And I think the promises we make to ourselves are the easiest to break.

I have always felt this way, at odds with others, especially when they're presented in big groups,
Along with individuals who portray the traits and characteristics that I have deemed terrible.

It wasn't until a few years ago, that I let them anchor me down.

Really, I'm no different from them.

I am a social creature underestimating the tact of my fellow human beings.
Foolishly thinking that these doubts in my head are my and mine alone to carry through the seasons.

Every human has cracks and cuts on their legs and arms that they wished they could superglue back together.
Everyone feels inferior tired and insecure about something.

I am wrong to judge others harshly, and I am wrong to contain myself behind doors because of what has happened.

I keep making big steps backward, pulling myself in further, relapsing into isolation.
I created my anxiety and fear of people.
I let outside influences inside, believing that every one will treat me the same way, when I am vulnerable.
That others hold loyalty and consideration in the same light as me.

I can speak with certainty even when I am uncertain, but my face will still display my true emotions and intentions.

And I can say anything I want through these illuminated screens with a sense of water down purpose and detachment.

With my face squished up, relaxed, or twisted.

I am saying something, because I can't seem to contain this inside of me anymore.

I'm writing it out, because for years now, I have been trying to forgive you.

To see you as only human, and nothing more, would be a reason to smile.
We are creatures trying to find some satisfaction, and I got in your way.

You will see it in my face, and I will see it in yours.

I am listening to [this song], on repeat.

distortion

2010-03-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

something for your ears:
1 2

I can't explain how I'm feeling.
I can't seem to put it into words.
It goes something like this.
I think.

spinning

2010-03-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

This is
Something that I'm working on/ just started/ etc.
still a 'work in progress', like my room.

I jump into my bed at nine fifty four convinced that tonight I will turn in early to wake up tomorrow refreshed. I see the floral pattern of my sheets as I pull them over my head, wishing that they smelled like flowers and not cigarettes.

I shut my eyes tight and count numbers to fall asleep. I make it to seven hundred and seventy six, defeated.

Frustrated, I make my way to the drawers. I push through the mounds of denim in search of something clean enough. I pull out a pair of purple pants wishing they smelled like purple things rather than stale beer.

Sighing, I push my left leg through first and then the other, tugging on the belt loops, defying gravity, up not down, ending the struggle when the jeans meet my belly button. Instinctively, I push my pinky inside to dig out whatever’s inside, firmly aware that this habit may seem unusual to some. But then again, things get into holes.

At a young age, I accepted and embraced the fact that some things are the way they are. There was no need for an explanation because it just is! And the quicker we accept it and leave it alone, the happier we’ll be. That time will no longer be wasted, allowing more Sundays to ponder the important things, like pluto, the future, the taste of canned potatoes, holes.

Belly buttons were made to trap lint, mazes confuse children, shoes laces come undone, pot holes deflate bike tires, and nothing will change that.

Parched, I pull a bottle out from under my bed and with each glass of wine, the ability to bullshit with myself feels less strange. It is simple again. The room is spinning, and I acknowledge the motion, contributing this occurrence to the world’s always revolving manner.

Tonight must be special, or at least situational (right place, right time, right wine), granting me this ability and privilege to feel the mighty rotation, slowly but swiftly, through the holes in dirty socks.

Unrelated Dad Prom Photo:

kitty balls

2010-03-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

I live for my cigarette breaks at work, my first friend at school
laughs at me when I tell him i'm quitting soon,
he says, 'ha ha if you haven't quit yet,
you'll never do it' so I look at my pack of camels and
I think about throwing them in the trash but I don't.

Last night, some one agreed that it's okay to want
the cat balls that they cut off the little kitty tuna.
Everyone else thought it was a silly idea, but not him,
and then he told us about how he keeps all his trash.
a constant reminder of how much we really waste.
he's got little bags tied tight filled with cat shit in his basement,
and all the empty packs of cigarettes filled with their butts, every single
one he's ever sucked down.

I suggest he starts a garden and he laughs at the idea.

My new job is terrible, and for once I feel like I have found
hell on earth and it is a simple call center located in north east ohio.
Chit chat is forbidden over the telephone with the strangers we questions to acquire
statistical data. On the phone, kind man jokes with me, and I suck in my laughs,
but I hope he can hear the smile on my face absorbed in my voice, my sympathy, and my soul
inside of the silence.
But that idea is foolish.

And today in the car, I savor my last cigarette in the pack
and I turn to my best friend and say,
'Strangers are just people you haven't gotten to know yet'
and she chuckles and requests that I never repeat that bit to my children, and then reads my mind
as she says this part next before I get the chance to 'I know, I know, you've made it this far
with the way that you think'

And at home, the two of us watch some of Jim Henson's work, and she and I look at his wikipedia page afterwards. She asks me how he died, to read that part aloud, and I can't help it, I can't quiet the quiver in my voice, almost in tears, reading the details of funeral loud enough for the both of us to listen closely.
It seemed like a nice departure.

HERE HERE!
Pretty boring video of me at work:

LOOK @ the DRAWINGS I did this week.
Posted them there so I didn't flood this page.
Maybe Will do this weekly, just to have them somewhere
in case I spill coffee all over the originals,
which is very likely.

a tasty taste:

hello sun

2010-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

Couldn't sleep last night. Tried about five times. Seems like there have been encounters that are subconsciously bothering me. I am aware that I am feeling 'distressed' but I can't put my finger on it, on what exact instance is giving me anxiety. Sometimes I just feel suffocated. So it goes, oh well, Etc.

The forecast for the next for days switches between sunny to partly cloudy. I am excited.

Today is beautiful. I am happy about that. I am smiling and feeling good and energized even though I didn't sleep. I feel hopeful today which is nice because I haven't felt that way for weeks. Then again, I'm unsure what about it could just be because all that vitamin D! I think that I may be going to Canada with a friend I haven't really seen since my freshmen year.

Anyways. This video is alright, I just needed something to do with my tired eyes after I caught up on this week's episode of Lost. I'm going to draw now, and maybe get a cup of coffee. Last night I watched a little bit of Yellow Submarine. It put me in a beatles 'mood'. I've always really liked this song, 'I'm only sleeping'.
I think it's my favorite one by them.

stiff necks

2010-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

He didn't like the way

she held onto her vowels

effortlessly sacrificing the pronunciation of her consonants

which

resulted in an 'accent'

that resembled animal mating calls

rather than some regional dialect.

and the mouth she had,

was pasted onto her head

which had an odd shape

that bothered him too,

for it was

not quite a circle, not quite a square,

and barely an oval,

contaminated with soft

and bumpy indents all over.

he extended his neck to view her,

his head titled down, never up, with his shoulders arched.

He had to take her at the right angles or not at all.

news:

got a job collecting statistical data

and the opinions of the American people.

made a tumblr (although I still don't 'get it')

http://spookyguts.tumblr.com/

published short rejected story, sarah-san.html

read this article

that reminded me of this poem:

ohio + fine china + howler monkeys

2010-02-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

the snow is falling again in big clusters
the temperature dropped
and everyone's bitching about it
with their sour faces and furrowed brows,
thinking hard as they are climbing up the stairs
without looking down
because their feet have already registered
this part of their day as repetitive.

in every direction
i turn my head
and take it all in
with my lips curled upside down
while i sit here, angrily typing. typing angrily....whichever
sounds better...it doesn't matter, just know that i am fucking tap tap tap tap tap tapping away
with all of my might, and all the strength my wimpy arms will allow.
i am taking it out on my keyboard,
i am giving it some abuse,
i want to give blame
and it's nobody's fault that ohio is cold
but that doesn't change a thing,
i still just want to point my finger somewhere
maybe at the weatherman or the meteorologists
or at my mom. fuck.
it's better this way

and when i get off of work,
i'm going to punch the snow right in its snow face.
and then i'll say 'that'll show it to come around these parts!'
wishing that it was really possible
to intimidate the weather like the sorority girls
and fraternity boys that are filled to the lips with water downed
beer, swaying and beating at their chests
when i'm sneaking past in the dark muttering:
'i don't want no trouble'

i look out the window
to see the white piles of shit
growing high
and it's bumming me out,
so i look at my nails, chewed down to the skin,
and feel stupid and insecure about how they look
wondering how did i let it get this bad?
and then i worry some more.
because i know
that i keep retreating inside of myself
fearful and clumsy
holding conversations
i practiced in the mirror
so i can perform carefully and cautiously
premeditated exchanges and interactions with
well rehearsed phrases
in high anxiety types of encounters
like the one in front of the big glass door
where you pass me by
and we both turn our heads and pretend
we've never said anything remotely romantic
to each other.

and for months now i have been feeling so weak.
i think i could shatter right in front of a your eyes
if it so happens that you figure me out.
like, i will physically shatter into into a million pieces
that can't be superglued back together.
i am not kidding, so don't say a thing
keep your lips pulled tight over your teeth
because this kind of 'falling apart' nonsense
isn't on my agenda today.

seems like this winter is driving me mad
and every ounce of
good feelings inside of me has frozen, iced over, like the puddles
in parking lots
i am reminded of this every time i walk outside,
as i carefully
tip toe past ominous icicles and ominous snowmen
and ominous SNOWFLAKES
bundled up like fragile glass tucked into a cardboard box-
don't chip mother's good china.

maybe, i need to stay inside
so i can follow my shadow along corridors and aisles
and bookshelves on the sixth floor of the library
determining which grammar book will explain the rules best
as i wonder why they are called rules and not laws.
and if it changed, if it happened....then there would be a grammar jail
and corrupt grammar cops, turning a blind eye when the mayor
adds an apostrophe to the pronoun 'its'
which makes me begin to believe that
everything involving laws are a joke
....but grammar's not.
so okay.

i always think with my limbs
so when you see my hands and legs shaking
know that i am having an epiphany.
or something less-glamourous
like panic attack

but not right now,
i am shaking because
i am so restless
and not because i'm nervous
my mind is just so heavy
filled up by desires
and compulsions
that are now
leaking out of my ears
onto the table
making a sticky situation
all over my homework

i feel an urge to get up,
to enter the elevator
to ride it to the top floor,
as i time it to determine how long it takes
to pull a metal box of twelve flights.

i feel the urge to tell the sassy student
who spoke to me rudely last week that his backward hats
reminds me of the nineties
and no, not in a good way.

i feel the urge to purchase a megaphone
so i can scream loud enough
to be heard three miles away
like a howler monkey's call
through dense forest
but i won't because i don't have that kind of money to throw
away and i don't have anything important enough to say
to someone three miles away.
and besides,
its too cold outside anyways.

SORRY I AM RAMBLING TODAY.

i mean.

2010-02-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

last night i slept with my body faced in a different direction,
with my face at the foot of the bed,
in hopes that when i woke up i'd have a new outlook, maybe feel better,
see things in a different light, a different perspective, etc....
i don't fucking know, it made sense at the time.....

but instead, i 'slept' all night with my body curled up tightly,
with the blankets pulled over,
restlessly shifting and kicking around for ten hours.

I missed all my classes, and as I was getting ready for work I worried about
all that I had missed in class. Work was alright though, Jaron visited with some japanese friends and i spoke a little in japanese. they said my accent wasn't bad. i was excited. Jaron's other friend asked if i was still break dancing, and i said 'haha, i wish'.
and then i did some homework at a circle table and talked about my future.

i got a headache around six and i still have it.
i meant to write some poems today, but couldn't.
really liked this video made by my friend busem:

Last night when i was doing homework i couldn't focus.
spend the whole night taking personalities tests online. the results told me things i already knew: i am neurotic. i am a dweller. i am sometimes social. i am emotional. fuck. my friend adam stayed over til three and we read each other poems. I've been really into this one:

I Live in the 21st Century For Marcia

I live in the Twentieth Century
and you lie here beside me. You
were unhappy when you fell asleep.
There was nothing I could do about
it. I felt helpless. Your face
is so beautiful that I cannot stop
to describe it, and there's nothing
I can do to make you happy while
you sleep.
-Richard Brautigan

tempting, yes.

2010-02-23T19:40:00.000-08:00

there's an itty bitty wild child
surviving on bread crumbs inside of me,
pulling on my long intentines, kicking at my kidneys,
tickling my ribs, squeezing my spleen.
that itty bitty wild child
likes bathing in liquor
devouring toxins
and flails around in my guts
when it's withdrawing
screeching 'gimme gimme gimme more'
it's climbing up my spine
like a step ladder to the moon
it's crawling into my ears
like a rat into a hole
soothingly whispering
'let's go crazy'
'let's go nuts'
----------------------------

today i accidentally yelled at a girl, who was speaking to my friend.
i was sitting to his left, and somehow miles davis came up
and i heard her say, "oh i don't know who that is", without thinking i turn and said,
"what really? are you serious? the jazz musician! you don't know about the birth of cool? fuck!"
and after i blurted it all out, i felt really bad for yelling at her....
but then again, how could she not know who he was?
you don't have to be a fan to recognize the name.

anyways, sold my bike for money. still haven't found a steady job.
it was a little heart-breaking because of the memories,
but i just keep telling myself, "it doesn't belong to the object,
no it hasn't left me"
it went to a good home. i am happy about that.
it's not like i'll need a bike where i'm going anyways,
i'm too sentimental.
i remember this one summer when me and my two friends
went on vacation to an island,
we took a sailboat that one of them had built and sailed our way there,
it was really fun, we rode all bikes all around
.....on the way back the waters weren't so nice,

and the boat capsized and took us all under along with three bikes
the coast guard came and rescued us, etc, yadayadayada.....
and managed to save our bikes too
which we rode around that summer,
feeling more invincible than usual.
i felt like we really escaped death that day.

everything feels weird this week.

oh well. i have an interview on thursday at 2.
gonna have to skip my japanese and psych class
maybe i'll get it.

oh, and i'm getting a poem published in the campus lit. mag.
feels kinda cool.
okay. bye.

okay okay okay

2010-02-21T11:28:00.000-08:00

a video:
i made to a song,

first time playing the ukulele
inspired by getting lost
and fleetwood mac.

a poem:

when i feel defeated:

i stretch out on my bed

and look at the ceiling.

and think about nothing

until i am too tired to think about nothing.

this is nice:

I wrote this in the bathroom

2010-02-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

OUT OF PLAIN VIEW

Bathrooms with stalls

show a tangible separation

between people
divvied up on tile floors
into little squares with porcelain seats

and thin paper rolled around
thicker paper

where private business is conducted
to tend to the matters
at hand

whether it be tears

anxiety attacks
pissing

shitting

masturbation

or all of the above.
it just

takes the turn of the knob

to lock yourself in.

Hot Air Balloon Boy

2010-02-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

Hi,
I wrote this poem today. I'm trying to figure it out still.
Thought maybe I'll sleep on it and know in the morning.
or something.
I made this video. It's messy.
my glasses aren't here yet.

hot air balloon boy:
maybe
you can help me quit smoking

and i’ll be the reason you start,

i’d be happy either way.

but
if my lungs were healthier

i would try to fill up yours,

blowing hot air down your throat

with the force of a hurricane

the speed of a tornado.

i’d watch your skin expand

as i tie you down tightly to the earth

when you find yourself lifted.
you'd be kind enough
to grab my wrist to help me
up onto your back
so we could float around the world

in eighty days

or six years

however long it takes

but
right now, we are seated in the back
of your station wagon,

fogging up the windows,

writing expletives out onto the glass

while i keep chain smoking

as you continue shrugging.

oh, i’m happy either way.

sun rise showgirls

2010-02-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Why did you turn the volume on your headphones up when I’m still talking?'
'Sorry this real good song came one.'
'It’s so loud, why don’t you listen to it later? we were talking. You made it so loud, now we are shouting.'
'No, you are shouting and besides I’ve only listened to this song real loud. I just always have. Is that a good enough reason? Do I owe you an explanation?'
' I guess not'
She crosses her legs and digs her elbows into her thighs, quietly pouting.
She supports the weight of her heavy head in her hands. I don't mean to be cross but it's late.
Too late for this conversation, Too late for her.
I just wanted some time to wind down, but I was unsuccessful.
She waltzed in again, unannounced like always to flop around in my comforters.
She's been sleeping in my bed for weeks now.
She says it's because she likes the way the sun rises from my window.
She likes how the rays hit the middle of her the forehead.
And how the room fills with light so quickly.
She likes to watch all the dust particles, circling rhythmically like
synchronized swimmers,
choreographed dancers,
show girls,
in the morning sun.
While
I always opt to block it out.
I pull the covers over my head to create a make shift forcefield to keep out the light.
I curl myself up into a ball and wish I was an armadillo.
She's still smiling at the dust when I slither out of bed,
when I'm putting on pants, when I'm leaving my room to retrieve some graham crackers
from the downstairs kitchen.

------

Today i ran into an old friend. I'm not surprised we reconnected right away. It always happens likes this.

Soon, we'll hang out a lot and it'll be real nice until one of us will falls in love with the other. It's like we take turns doing this. Hope it's different this time. Life is better when he's around to drink coffee with on the balcony.

Getting really into making videos. Debating attempting to launch a blog that involves 'simple stories' submitted from around the netz. Stories that involve the line, "Why I don't (like cheesecake)" or "That time (we played Cat Roulette). Just a thought. I think it'd be fun to have an archive of videos with little funny stories from different perspectives. Can't decide if I have the manpower/wits/etc to make this happen. I just feel like every little instance had a back story, or there are moments in an individual's life that could be 'classified' as weird, hysterical , awkward. I want to look at these videos and say, "OH MAN I FEEL YOUR PAIN" or maybe "THAT MAKES SENSE" or "YEAH, I GET IT". I don't know.

I'm thinking about making a 'short film'. Something about ten minutes long with a correlating story. Either way, I'm not making any videos until I get my new glasses, or a haircut.

(I like the how flat my drawings get after they are scanned in)